trigger warning. gun violence, sa

i wrote this a little under a year ago, on may 5th of 2023. may 5th of 2023 is the day that, according to my ex boyfriend, i was supposed to die.
we are in high school. at the beginning of that school year, i met him. at that time, i was dating somebody else. one week after i broke up with that person (december 12th) he kissed me. we dated for one month and two weeks. he broke up with me on seemingly good terms.
according to him, that was not the story. according to him, we had a horrible and unhealthy relationship. he accused me of sa'ing him. of course i would never say that this completely should invalidate what it is that he has to say, and it proves nothing, but i am a victim of sexual abuse. in fact, my boyfriend met (and later befriended) my abuser. bottom line is that i didn't do that. i never initiated sexual activity, and i was never cruel to him. it was not fair.
he told all of our friends that i had dumped him (i did not do that! he broke up with me!) and began posting photos captioned things like "i don't believe in love anymore." he also began cyberbullying me (posting photos of me without my permission and calling me names, claiming that i "fumbled" [i hate to admit that i hate my generation in ways i can't express] and that i did horrible things to him that i could never have the heart or stomach to do.) he told all our friends that i was an abuser.
then, he told my very close friend not to come to school on friday, may 5th, 2023. when asked why she should not come to school, she was told there would be some "bad weather." she coaxed him into telling her explicitly:
he was going to bring his father's gun to school. he was going to jump me, stab me, and shoot me on school campus.
of course, he was swiftly reported. i spent that day locked in my school's ISS (in-school suspension) room, as if i was being punished for the ill speech, intention, and deliberate planning done by my clearly suicidal and homicidal and unstable ex partner. i was not allowed to leave this room because while he was at school, they could not find him. when they finally did, he was found with a knife in his backpack.
the cops told us he was a "good liar." he was a manipulator.
he had habits of taking the lives of animals and mutilating their bodies. he was expelled from our high school for making terrorist threats (gun threats). my family fought for a petition to be added to the lawsuit stating that i was the primary victim. unfortunately, because of the nature of snapchat's deletion of text messages, we did not have sufficient proof. i find this ridiculous. i don't understand why my friend's phone was not confiscated, and why law enforcement did not order the files which hold those messages, because they very well could have done that. this is not supposed to be a blog about the tendency of courts to fail their juvenile victims, but i had ought to throw it out there:
My ex boyfriend was using our best friend every night. She constantly had to talk him down from committing suicide. He was self-harming and using drugs. He was threatening the lives of me and of our mutual friends. He was harassing us online. He showed a serial-killer like pattern of targetting brunette people assigned female at birth like myself. He was taking the lives of animals and mutilating their bodies. He was idolizing Jeffrey Dahmer.
He was clearly extremely mentally unstable, and he has sufficient marks that he made upon his own body, and upon the bodies of innocent animals to prove so.
He was not institutionalized.
Have the authorities not failed him? Have they done enough to care for his deteriorating mental state? Have they done enough to protect his victims? I think not.
if it is any comfort to those reading this, he is no longer allowed to contact with me. i am safe, and i hope he is as well. through all that has happened, this has been my prayer: that he should receive the love and help he so desperately needs in order to grow up and learn to function properly, healthily, and happily. i feel as though in my life, i'm getting there. through the snapshots i've seen of him, he has not.

the purpose of all of this was to preface what i am about to post. it's the poem i wrote on may fifth, the day i was supposed to die. it's not good. i wrote it as an outlet. i think it's raw. it demonstrates how utterly miserable somebody must be to wish that could be anyone, anyone as long as it's not them.

i just want to throw you up

vomit out all the bad things you left in me

i could feel clean, i could feel like myself

i am never anything but dirty

landing in second place, leaping a second after the shot

the pop, the head blown up

and the sweet blue smoke the sign of release

so paint me all your favorite colors, dear

i am not lovely enough for you to hold near

turn me into your only one, and 

make me into your shining gun

i can;t fucking get shti done i spend every day doing nothing nogthing fucking NOthing i cant even thinkni cant look straight i cant see anything i hate it i hate everything i just fucking want something ANYTING else PLEASE everything i do is overshadowed by bad memories and mad dreams i cant even wash my hair anymore i want to be someone else

please if someone dared miss me

take comfort in knowing i have made it to heaven

and when i am shot dead please remember

it was all i could bring myself to want

i cant do this on my own anymore why doesnt anyone FUCKING LOVE ME