wawao

hey spacehey users

i totally am STILL fucking waiting on someone ANYONE to accept my application to get a job. not entirely sure why its taking so goddamn long but i really hope they call me. my girlfriend is in a bad mood, but i mean it happens. cant help but think its partially my fault even tho im allmmost certain i had nothing to do w it. we did have our first kinda argument today, and i say kinda because it wasnt even an argument but i feel like im js waiting on something to happen. and i want to make sure that we can communicate effectively so that it doesnt turn out poorly. im also thinking about painting her something new. she tells me i should keep my paintings because i "would want them one day" which is a bunch of horse shit to me bc i only paint when it is for someone else and or i have immense feelings for them and dont know how else to express it. and also it worries me when she says those things because like, bae, cmon why would i ever want them? one, i made them for YOU. and also she kinda said it like iiif we break up, but i really really think we wont. we're on the same page almost 90% of the time and we know how to be decent humans toward one another. now ofc i am aware that could change, and shit happens, life happens, but i dont want it to. i believe in, as long as you love me, and i love you, we can work through anything. i just dont know how long she'll love me for. 

obviously im hoping for forever, but quite literally nothing goes as planned. even when you think you know someone, and you think they love you, they do not, and never really have. i really hope she isnt lying to me, and honestly thats such a dumb thought because shes not that kind of person, but i cant help but think this way because my brain has literally been conditioned to feel this way because of how many god awful relationships ive been in. if i could go back in time, i would slap myself in the face. and i know exactly what id do anyway, the slap would hold no meaning. but anyway, she is definitely more open to the fact of 'well, we dont know what is gonna happen in the far/ near future.' and yes that may be true but i need her to not think about that because i want to try my hardest, well no not try, be the best shes ever seen/ had/ will ever have. all i have ever wanted in this fucking world is someone to love unconditionally, and fully, but it was held off for so long that only now am i finding someone that wont use me or take advantage of that love. so you know, as long as she loves me, we can do this. i would do anything for her, and i hope she would do the same, though i do not expect it.

xoxo swoquix signing off.