Day 2 I guess?

I've decided to start somewhat regularly posting my thoughts on here. Yesterday i wrote about my shitty day and i wont lie it did help quite a bit, just getting my sadness and frustration out as much as i felt comfortable. 

Today was much better, I drove out to the middle of nowhere and just listened to music in the car. It was surreal, the scenery was beautiful. I started thinking about recent events in my life and how i have a lot of regrets. I used to have a group of friends around me basically 24/7, it got quite draining, but as much as they really took advantage of me and used me I still miss the feeling of having people i atleast thought i could rely on at the time. I used to think i loved being alone, im introverted, but the more i am alone the more i get upset at how i got to this point. I wish i'd made different friends instead of them, maybe then i would still be in contact with them. It's kind of sad when you think about it, blaming myself for their bad actions. I know i deserve better but sometimes i'd rather have bad friends than no friends at all. 

I only know a few people here and it really is isolating. I can't dress how i used to, i dont have the means to act how I used to, its like ive inadvertently forced myself into a box that i know i shouldn't be in and i don't know how to get out of it. I've been to a few irl social groups of people with similar interests and mental health struggles but in the end i've always felt like i just wasnt right in those spaces, like i didnt fit. I know life isnt about fitting in and being like everyone else but i wish i was. I've never understood why i struggle to connect with people or why i was treat differently to others my age, my doctor thinks its asd and adhd. I've lived my life thinking oh im just depressed and anxious i know that, maybe its my anxiety and im just too awkward for everyone i meet. But now, with a healthcare professional telling me theres a possibility i have asd/adhd, it's opened a whole new tin of worms that i never wanted to touch. I know its not inherently 'bad' to have either of those disorders but i think because ive craved normality my whole life, finding out there's more things 'wrong' with me has just made things so much worse. I want to go back to living in naivety and somewhat bliss of being unbeknownst to my issues. 

I've never been one to accept therapy or serious help from anyone. I've always turned to drugs and alcohol to cope, it's the first coping mechanism i ever experienced and substances made me feel a way i'd never felt before. Happy. I know its sad, im quite aware and deeply ashamed that it is the only way i've ever been truly happy. I'm not looking for sympathy or advice, i just struggle talking about these things, opening up to a professional or a 'friend' or even family has never been something i could do. whether out of fear or guilt or just not wanting to disappoint those around me i just dont know but i think the idea of somewhat anonymity behind a screen helps now.Atleast knowing its pretty unlikely that someone i know is going to find and read through my posts.

Song of the day: Going Postal At The Party - James Marriott