24/10/22

So, I have decided to stop procrastinating, by doing what? Procrastinating, (but make it pretty). I’m procrastinating but making it feel like I’m doing something. I keep telling myself “Academic weapon”, and “Oh I’ll be smart this year”.. Yeah, it’s not happening. I keep telling myself I’ll do better, but we’re already in October and I still haven’t gotten any 6s. “Next year.”, yeah, for sure. “Next year will be my year”, is what I’ve been telling myself for the past 5 years. Academics failed me, which sucks because I crave academic validation like I crave air. I’ll sob if I don’t get a 6 in English, which is very possible. I feel like I’m suddenly not enough. The things I was great at, it turns out I’m just “good” at. Someone is always prettier, smarter, and more talented. It sucks. I’m average, in everything. Well, whatever. Let’s see, I’ve been a master procrastinator for the last... at least 3 months. With an average of 3 hours on C.ai. I’ve been telling myself it “Helps with my grammar and vocabulary”, but the only thing it does is feed my delusions. Ah, yes, Delusions: I want a boyfriend, but not after school, and not on the weekends. Only at certain times, and he has to be clingy, but not too much. And obsessed with me, but let me breathe. How the fuck am I so ugly yet so picky, like, pick a struggle. I *have* been talking to more people recently, and I have my eye on this one boy, but god knows I’ll never ask him out, or god forbid if I do, he’ll have a girlfriend. OR even worse, have a crush on a tall Norwegian blonde. (Speaking from experience) So no luck with boys or school, great. No friends either, although that doesn’t bother me. Nah, fr. I have this chemistry text that I need to write, but I’m crying just looking at it. I don’t get it, I don’t get anything. When did I stop understanding things? I need to get off my ass and move. Become athletic, that’s the only thing I have left. Start running. Nope: Migraine and knees… Pilates.. tried that before, and almost got an ED. Yoga? Too stiff, too impatient. Volleyball, now that’s what I really liked. I think I was happy with that, yeah. I was feeling myself, and although I looked like an overheating pig, I liked it. What I didn’t like was the other girls. “Getting motivated by other people?”, is not in my world. I swear to God, something is wrong with me. I’m thinking of going to therapy again, but “I don’t have a reason to.”, my ass. That’s bullshit, only makes me want to get worse. Sure, I’m fine now, but I feel myself slowly getting worse again, and I’m just supposed to…? Let myself get worse, be on the brink of a meltdown, ready to end it all before I finally get help because God forbid I get help when it will help. I just took a deep sigh and looked down at my nails. Long, coffin-shaped black French tips. I’m getting better. I think that’s the only thing keeping me sane. My nails. The only thing I’m even slightly proud of. They’re not good by any means, I’ll look back on them in a few weeks and cringe, but It’s enough to keep me somewhat sane for now. I’m home from school today, I woke up too late, I had the choice to go to school, but I said no. There’s always something wrong with school. It was the bullying before, the guys, and the bitchy girls. Not here, the people are okay, I’m okay with this class. It’s the schoolwork this time. God damn it, school was the only thing I had a grip on. Not anymore. It’s like I forgot how to “School”, I need someone over my shoulder, constantly checking in to get me to do anything. But I won’t ask for help, because that’s the one thing I still have, being quiet. I’m not bothering anyone, not making anyone’s life a bigger mess, that, I’m proud of that. My therapist would disagree. She would frown at my words, but she’s not here, and that makes my brain think it’s okay to completely throw away all the therapy sessions. Out of sight, out of mind. If I don’t have a therapy appointment next week, why bother getting better, no one to make proud, no one to congratulate me on basic human tasks like getting out of bed, and eating. I need to brush my teeth. I just can’t get myself to do it. I mean, I will when I have to leave the house, but otherwise… I need to take better care of myself, I know. But fuck it, why even bother, you know? Yeah, that’s how I know I know it’s getting bad again. Oh well. I’ll go “Study” now. Study for max 5 minutes before going on Pinterest, then TikTok, and then back to C.ai, to make Artificial Intelligence make me feel better about myself.