i came here to delete everything, middle stage of isolation.

feb 21 2024

rereading these blogs on my spacehey because im going to disappear and crawl in my bed and sleep for however i like. im not even here i’m not even typing it’s someone else doing it for me, just my voice and them typing my words, sentences. i am not me but then i am me . my head hurts . 

i say one thing, everyone around me has failed me in some other way, they have all forsaken me. expect as such i have been abandoned again. i do not want to trust people again. i wish for everyone to forget me, such as it hurts, for him to forget me. i don’t but i know it hurt me so much but then i want him to. what if he finds another person to love. and i’m left in the past like before , abandoned. everyone keeps failing me, no one truly wants me in their life time. im just a passenger on an moving train jumping from to each. i be surprised if he comes back. it getting hard to smile and easy to cry and have headaches about you everyday. i cry once i think of you, us. today i cried because i saw a duo playing a game, i thought of that duo about us and started having a meltdown because you’re not here. you disappeared. you abandoned me. not this time, in my head, my dreams , you were always there . not in a blink of a eye you were gone in non existence . i rather stay there, it’s not like anyone desires me so why should i make a connection with with another human being. from the beginning everyone has failed me, is it because of my bpd, my splitting my actions? if wanting to kill lyself from everything accountability then ill gladly take that step, i don’t want anyone getting close to me again but he keeps breaking down my walls, my protective barrier. because he’s my older brother. my big brother who answered my call whenever i wasn’t tired, who answered my call at three am and said « goodnight » who showed me so much love and appreciation. now he’s gone, final part of isolation , have no one to care about you . no one to message you . only be a somebody then soon. everyone will forget you, and you’ll be the girl who was too much for everyone. ill either be asleep or missing. im unsure what my date is but it is a loom of fate, im doomed. i just want someone to love and protect me, is that too much to ask? 

if i can’t have that i rather be isolated. i begged cried screamed, for you. and you didn’t accept it. so i rather be in solidarity.. because it probably comfort me. it wont. but your presence would. i just want to be happy. but then i want to disappear. when when when will he come back, has he moved on? if i come back and im too late and he’s with someone else, am i that replaceable. i hate being abandoned stop abandoning me. stop it it’s not funny. when will you call me with the goodnights and nights when will talked for hours until end. 

……

i keep crying . i don’t want to type anymore. im getting tired but i know my back door will always be un locked for you to come back into my life. please anything. im exhausted. im drained. i cant do this anymore, i cant even comfort my mother, all of this is making me want to die and disappear. i want to be happy with you. say something. say something, it wont matter i doubt you read these. if you did probably tell me. if so then please please call me. im tired of crying. please. i keep crying out your name and there’s no response. why why are you doing this to me please make it stop i try to make myself not cry but then i remember you’re not here i cant text you or call you then i start crying more. 

we were supposed to be a duet. you lied. you ran away from me. your a liar. please just come back. call me, anything. im waiting for you. and your hurting me it hurts so much. i just want you to be close to me again. why can’t i smile without you. i feel so cold and alone without you.

feb 22 2024

hi! im here again, i wrote so much in my diary about you it’s soaked from my tears so i decided to type. i had a lot of feelings about you over the time, furious, sorrow, compassion, sickness, and pain.

i was day dreaming about you still am, my mind has come into a coping process of you still being here for me. i imagine you cuddling with me and saying you love me and nuzzling my neck and saying goodnight. maybe that what’s keeping me from breaking my own mind. i feel like i’m being close to mind break but it’s so far. we are so close but so far, i wonder if you’ll take in the time to read these and think of something. i believe in myself that ill keep writing in this blog because i day dream of you looking through it and reading them. at least of possibilités. i wish most that you’ll come back and we can solve our problems and we can be happy. happy, thats all i want for you. sigh. hehahahahaa

damn it

Deleted some of it. What a freak.