dead girl

the first time i died was the day my sister was born

she sobbed the whole night and

when i tried to hold her she rolled away from me

this was her third child and my mother knew

her boyfriend would leave her after this one

but i didn't know i was just happy

to meet her.

the second time i died was when we buried my mothers father

it was minus twenty degrees out 

and no one showed up,

through the window of the hearse i could see

the rabbis ears turning purple

as they shoveled dirt onto the coffin.

i died the time i overdosed in the school bathroom

my lips turned the same blue as the rabbi's ears

and i could see an older girl i knew

watching me from the corner of her eyes

as i writhed along the floor hopelessly

i puked four times that day 

and had to be carried out by the groundskeeper.

my therapist tells me there is colour in my cheeks

she does not know it but i have died many times before this

i have died in the eyes of people i didnt know

in the middle of the night my skin has fallen apart and

i have seen my way until the next life

i have died many times

and i will die many more. (amen)