Trying to find myself

I've been feeling kind of lost lately. Maybe I haven't been taking care of myself enough. I keep finding myself fixating on certain things so much that it's hard for me to enjoy what I have right in front of me. I think I might be having withdrawals from the meds I was on. I have the life I dreamed of as a teenager. I don't understand what's wrong. There's this weird underlying feeling that I'm not being true to myself, but I'm not sure what it is. I'm the truest to myself I've ever been. I wish there was a reset button for my brain. Sometimes I feel like a computer that hasn't been reset or shut down in years. I craved peace for so long, and I was given peace, and now my brain keeps generating trivial things to be anxious about. Sometimes it feels like there's a mental block in my brain that prevents me from experiencing consistent contentedness. Maybe it's depression. Maybe it's ADHD. Maybe it's both.

Something that I noticed is that when I was medicated for my ADHD things weren't nearly this bad. When I have the proper levels of dopamine in my system I don't feel like this usually. Sometimes I feel like a useless zombie without my meds. I've always hated the idea of being reliant on a chemical substance to be okay -- to be able to function -- but maybe it just genuinely has to be that way. I guess it's not different from any other physical illnesses. There are people who need insulin to be able to function properly, and no diabetic is ever told "I personally would try other methods of getting help before getting prescribed insulin. Doesn't the idea of being reliant on a chemical substance to be okay make you feel weird?" Maybe I just need to judge myself less harshly for it. I need help and that's okay.

I'm gonna be okay. I feel better after writing it all out. No one's ever too lost to be found. I'm resilient and strong. I have the strength to do the things that make me happy. I'm gonna be back on ADHD meds soon which I think will definitely help. I think the vast majority of my depression is rooted in the ADHD. ADHD paralysis and not getting things done makes me feel bleak and hopeless. But I'm not gonna feel this anymore again soon.

There is hope for me. I just gotta have self control, patience, and believe in myself. I'm here to love and be happy.

02/19/2024 -- 12:58pm