VENT

my god, life sucks so hard right now. everything feels like it's just falling apart in my hands. my best friends from before are starting to drift away and the friends i have now, i always worry that they aren't even my real friends. i've just been overly deep cleaning my room and listening to music just trying to feel normal! my mom's house feels so empty, and now bthe one house that i stopped liking has become my favoirte place to in now. i hate being in school, but i hate being out of school feeling the guilt of "i have done something wrong and theres no way to go back" i don't evem know what i did wrong, i have been nothing but a good person or at least i try my best too, yet it feels like the friends i have now just don't want to even be near me. it's like i'm so irrelavent that i'm not even a second choice or a choice at all. it's like i'm super happy and cheerful for a bit then i go back to thinking again, it's like just thinking is making me feel so miserable. i hate think about how one of my friends doesn't even sit next to me any more when thats her literal seat, having to deal with being aloen every day at lunch trying not to seem too lonely. and them on top of that, i worry everything single day of if i'm being "too dramatic" and that people have it worse than me. i feel like i have no purpose in the world even more, like if i wiped myself out now that everything would just feel better. but then i wonder "what about my family?" "what if my friends really do wanna be around me?" "what if people do care about my existence and i'm not as useless as i think?" i don't know anymore. i'm so sick of life but i don't wanna end it all now. because what about the future, thats if there even is a future for anyone though, especially in this world now. i feel like now, since time is going by faster nothing matter anymore. theres no point in me trying to fix how sad, angry, and socially deprived i've been. then trying to fill that hole with food and drawings cleaning and music just trying to push away and hide and ignore all the hurt i have felt over th years. all the over thinking. i want it all to end. but sometimes i feel as if theres no point in doing that anymore. because if i did end it all, it wouldn't matter.