The Heart Aches Only For Those Who Use It

Imagine this, let’s say, out of the blue, you get the news your very mother has passed. How would you truly “feel”?

Here you are, dressed in a luxurious golden robe crafted by the finest designers. Lounging on a sofa that even the wealthiest would envy, as you leisurely sip your hot coffee, savoring every taste. The years have rolled by since the untimely tragedy, and you've successfully created a formidable foundation for yourself and those dear to you. The nights were been long, solitary, and sometimes even sleepless, a testament to the grit it took to reach this pinnacle. Your life's journey has unfolded as if under a distant observer's gaze, but now everything you’ve ever wanted is laid bare before you as we speak. How would you “feel”?

You stand as a relentless vessel of interlocking gears, a tireless machine made of constant rotating, resounding organs, and superficial muscles. Each day, you trained for this moment, the day you could finally embrace your long earned tranquility, the peace of finally being able to cast aside the weight you've carried all this time. It was all done to garner praise from your others, for them to solidly believe in you. Every effort, every sacrifice, all for the love of another. But you've made it, right? The time to rest in hushed solace of all times, should be now. You should be equipping yourself to pass on your legacy to future generations yet to come, etching your mark on history through your children, grandchildren, and beyond. 

But, wait. What's this feeling? This odd sensation creeping in? It throbs with a tender sting; all from deep within. Quickly, you rise from your seat. Why is your body moving on its own? You’ve never felt like this before!? An unfamiliar aura controls you, akin to something like a puppet master. How do you make it stop?! Internally, you struggle recklessly as a tumultuous battle for control rages on. Which is almost starting to seem like an endless struggle the further you push. However, externally, you tread aimlessly throughout your colossal mansion, with no end goal in sight; or is there? 

That’s when you snap back to the present, still unable to gain your once held control over your own body. This can’t be. This feels almost too supernatural to be true. What could it be? God? A spirit? The Devil? Your mind is flooded with countless possibilities, yet on the outside your body still presses forward. That’s when you notice something, your body, or whoever guiding it, is steering you in direction of your mansion's rooftop. You give the struggling a rest, and await what is next to come. Ascending the stairs, you atlas reach the rooftop as you are greeted by the sun's creeping emergence, its gentle kiss on the ocean's reflective edge signifying a new dawn. The world's beauty unfolds before you, when was the last time you’ve enjoyed this since the incident?

That’s when it hits you, the incident. It’s sad isn’t it. You begin to wonder, what if she were right beside you. How would she “feel”? If she was sitting in a enormous mansion, worth millions, what would she say? Would she be proud? That’s when you finally regain control over your body. Consciousness surges back in from the depths of the abyss, a state you’ve haven’t claimed since you began this expedition. The state of being “conscious”. Has it always felt like this? Sonder overcomes you entirely. You gaze down below, at all the passerby’s living day to day. You're truly here, this is reality. No really! You’re here! You should be cheering!? Clap! Jump! What’s wrong?! Oh. Right. She’s gone. The one who would always love you unconditionally. The one who would greet you every morning, the one you needed at your darkest times. She’s gone. You did all this to make her and everyone else proud. So why do you feel nothing? All the accomplishments, all the glory, but she just isn’t here. You can’t touch her, talk to her, or even see her. She’s actually gone.

You look over the horizon, asking both her and the world why. Why did she leave? Is she proud of all that you have done?! You did this for her! So where is she?!? You yelp at the skies, telling her to come out, to come back. The sun’s rays gently caressing your soft buttery skin, its beams radiating off your sorrowful eyes. You grip the balcony rails with such intensity it leaves marks on your hands. You were always told to cherish those close to you before it was too late; but you didn’t think time would go that fast. You ball, you cry, you weep. An endless flood of tears flowing from you with speed. It’s just too much. Wiping your face trying to keep your composure together, you never really had the opportunity to release your inner feelings, but now you do. So you just, cry. You cry so hard even the earlybirds and morning roosters shift their heads in complete and utter shock. It’s shocking just what losing one person can do to someone. Can people even cry like that? You worry about none of that as continue on releasing it all. Just releasing, and releasing, and releasing everything until. You stop. You begin to wipe your eyes as your sobbing slowly becomes feint in the morning ruckus. You just want her back. You just want you back. This is a reminder to slow down. The world won’t speed up, and you shouldn’t either. Enjoy life. Enjoy the mistakes you make along the way. Because soon, you won’t know what to do. It’ll come so fast you’ll have nothing to say but just, “Why? Why me?”. I’m done now, but before I go, I still have one question. And yes, I know i’ve asked this question before. But I still just need your “true” and “final” answer. Regarding then, regarding now, regarding anytime in the future, present or whenever. Just answer me this, and promise you won’t ever forget to ask yourself this, how do you “feel”.