Somebody is listening??

Dear Internet,

It's me again. I'm sick and I seem to have lost my voice. I got the worst sleep last night and I'm expected to be doing college homework currently. I just can't seem to focus.

I'm writing this because I did notice someone left kudos on my last blog entry and it prompted some thoughts within me. Offline, I'm just a girl sitting on her bed, typing away on an old laptop. And I found it bizarre that someone else who I've never even spoken to in my life cares about what I type. The internet is a beautiful thing. I'm so isolated and yet when I'm online, there always seems to be someone out there willing to listen. And it makes me wonder why me? 

I don't really do anything significant with my life currently and it seems like I'm just trying to pass the time... for the next 2 years. I wonder if the rest of my life is going to be like this. If I'm just going to be sitting around and passively wait for some big life-changing event to happen. 

Or maybe I'm going about this entirely backwards. Isn't life about achievement? 

I mean hell, I do well in classes (despite my current situation), and made the deans list at my college. That's something to be proud of... right? 

Truth be told, I earned it from just passing the time like this. I don't feel like any of this was hard work. I feel like I just over-complicate it for myself and that anyone could've achieved what I have. 

Is this what downplaying feels like?

Is it writing, hoping someone out there will listen to how you really feel? 

Is this an inescapable mindset? 

I'm not sure if I'm going down the right path in my life but having someone-- anyone -- listen to my nonsense is both disturbing and soothing. 

I know there are people that want to be friends with me, people that have actually went out of their way to make plans with me, and people who think I'm actually a really cool person but, I just don't get it. 

Wasn't I cool as a kid? 

I'm still into the same stuff I was, and I act even more childish than when I was younger. So what constitutes the divide between everyone wanting to be my friend now versus everyone talking shit about me behind my back and abandoning me when I was a kid? 

Spiraling in despair and self-induced loneliness,

Monty.