2024.02.17

12:40 A.M. 

i have been trying all day to eat. the anxiety and heartache keeps coming in waves though, so it's been hard to since the anxiety fills you up yknow. i had such a beautiful day today though!! i got to see two of my bestest friends ever /srs so that made me so so happy!!! i just feel bad that the ache was there even during the happy times with them. i guess that's to be expected since so many things were left unanswered. it hurts then it doesn't. how odd. i am so grateful to be able to feel this though, because this is !! the human experience yknow !!! and i am so happy to be able to live the human experience, with all the joy and pain it brings. i may not be happy with the way things went and how i'm feeling now, but in the end i am happy that i have the privilege to be able to feel at all. i'm really not saying all this to seem all like manic-pixy-dream yknow yknow HAHAHHAHAHAFJKDSL I JUST REALIZE IT COULD COME OFF THAT WAY. or like i'm forcing an overly-poetic view on the pain i've been dealing with. no, it sucks. it fully sucks what happened and what i'm going through. i genuinely mean everything i'm saying, and that i say like, ever HAHAHHAJFL I'M AUTISTIC IDK HOW NOT TO MEAN EVERYTHING I SAY UNLESS IT'S A JOKE THEN YKNOW I'M NOT SERIOUS but !! i think words r so powerful, n i know that they hold so much meaning so i try not to misuse them if i can help it. i am so proud to be human!! i am so happy to be able to grow within myself and as a person and to learn and change shape!! in order for us to live, we must let go. that's something i need to learn now.