I'll be venting here

I was raised in a hyper-religious household that believed any emotional display other than a smile was an evil spirit that was to be prayed out of us and any conflict was just "the Devil trying to divide family". My guardian also valued her reputation over our safety and well-being, So any real issues were swept under the rug. 

One example of this-

She saw me with a bloody and whelped back when I was 6 years old and when she asked me what happened, I let her know the family member she had entrusted me to had been beating me any chance she got. Her response was to tell me not to tell anyone and to just pray about it before saying she'd try to talk it out with them (which I did NOT witness, overhear, etc at all) and she continued to send me over ever single day knowing the abuse was getting worse as there would be times I wouldn't be able to sit down or move right. She made me feel evil for not being able to feel happy in that situation and tried to get me to sympathize with her using the whole "once a family always a family" rhetoric and also saying she didn't want to look like a bad parent. Most of her defense as to why we couldn't do anything about it was- and I quote- "How do you think that makes ME look?" I was from then on trained to be seen and not heard. The more we were abused, the more she engraved this lesson into us. It got to the point where "Now bow our heads and let's be quiet" was added to the end of the Lord's prayer every time we said grace for dinner and I didn't even find out until I was an adult and reread the Bible that it wasn't even part of the actual prayer.

-

There's a lot of things I haven't fully processed or accepted. So many great things have been happening lately right after pretty much a lifetime of bad things and plot twists. And while I'm grateful things are looking up, I've still managed to feel overwhelmed. A lot of these positive emotions are genuinely new to me and I can't put a name to any of them it all just feels like a lot of energy trap in my chest/heart. Like those old cartoons where someones heart swells so much it pops like a balloon? That's how my heart feels, only it can't pop. I can feel that there's  conflict with the negative emotions though and it's so overwhelming. I was never allowed to feel or have a talk about my feelings so now I feel like a husk with these random colors floating around inside. I can't see what colors they are, I can only feel them moving around. Some more rapidly than others. sometimes the colors spread calmly and slowly and sometimes its just a punch in the chest and there's really no in between. I either feel things all the way or not at all and I have no idea what I'm even feeling or sometimes why. I've been working on trying to talk my feelings out more and my bf is really helpful and patient with me while I try to figure it out. Most people think I'm joking, exaggerating, or being "edgy"  when I don't know what certain feelings are supposed to feel like. I explain my emotions in hyper-specific analogies most of the time and it's often seen as me being poetic, satirical, or creative; but I genuinely have to describe them in the dumb ways that I do because I don't know what to call it. I want so bad to be able to function like a normal human being should and just know what it is I'm feeling so I can handle it accordingly but I feel so dumb and blank. I've lost so many good people over being too stoic or nonchalant but I genuinely don't know how I'm supposed to react or respond sometimes. Like even if I like something or am genuinely surprised, I could smile and say thank you and the person will think I don't actually like what they gave me. I used to be such an expressive and happy kid. I see it in the photos of me before my mom died and before the abuse started. I vaguely remember being that little social butterfly that loved hugs and now I hate being touched and I hate having to meet more than 2 new people at once and even then I can't feel normal or natural in conversation. I overthink and over analyze the smallest facial expressions and automatically feel like I've somehow done something wrong or offensive even if the person appears to be genuinely enjoying the conversation. It's horrible. I hate this so much. I wish I was normal or could at least learn how to be. Regular therapy didn't help, group therapy didn't last. I've exhausted all of my free options and I just don't know what to do anymore.