What Asexuality Is and a Little Segment Describing My Lived Experiences as an Asexual

What is asexuality? Asexuality is when someone feels sexual attraction towards no gender, even though they might have a healthy, functioning reproductive system that has all the stimuli that they need. This sounds like a simple and coherent phenomenon to learn about, but why is it misunderstood by so many people? Well, it seems as though their are a lot of misconceptions revolving around asexuality as with other queer identities under the LGBTQIA umbrella. Let’s begin and explore those misconceptions and clarify any doubts some of you may have.

One reason asexuality is often thought of as an impossible phenomenon because people often conflate sexual attraction with romantic attraction and romantic attraction with love in general. How are these things all different? Sexual attraction is when someone feels an urge or compulsion to have sex with another person. Romantic attraction is when someone craves for another person to be their significant other in some way or another. And love in general is just... well, love; it doesn’t actually require sexual attraction or even romantic attraction in order to exist and can be completely platonic, regardless of someone else’s gender or gender identity.

Asexuality also isn’t just something that exists in a binary; it is also something that exists in a spectrum just like other queer identities. There are classic asexuals, gray-asexuals, sex-repulsed asexuals, and even sex-favorable asexuals. I myself am cupiosexual. A cupiosexual person is someone who although feels sexual attraction to no gender, is capable of enjoying sex. How is this possible?

Simple, sexual attraction is not actually a requirement for enjoying sex. One common misconception about asexuals is that because they don’t feel sexual attraction towards other people they therefore cannot enjoy sex. But the truth is that while this happens to be the situation specifically for sex-repulsed asexuals within the asexuality spectrum, this is definitely not true for their more sex-favorable counterparts. Just as it is a thing for people to play with sex toys without feeling sexual attraction towards the objects that they are using to indulge themselves, in the same way, this can also occur with sexual intercourse itself. Another misconception that exists is that it’s the same thing as celibacy. The reason for why it isn’t is because celibacy is a conscious effort to avoid sex even when someone’s urges to engage in sex can be felt by the individual. Asexuals do not consciously avoid having sex; they just naturally have an aversion towards it.

So how do I know if I’m asexual and specifically cupiosexual? Well, I am both heteroromantic and heteroaesthetic without actually being heterosexual. And yet I look forward to one day being able to be married and have children of my own. I’ve also never had a crush, as I am demiromantic. Demiromanticity is when someone feels romantic attraction only after developing a strong emotional bond with another person. I’ve also been intimidated by sexually charged direct messages that I received from a chatbot once while I was browsing through Discord. However, a thought experiment that I did with myself revealed that being in a sexual encounter with the love of my life was perfectly fine with me. For more information on asexuality, please visit asexuality.org and check out what the available resources have to elaborate about asexuality. I hope you enjoyed reading this entry and have a very happy Valentine’s Day!