day of the valentine or something

i've always felt a little bit outside of love, of romance. maybe it's the perceived naivety people see in me. maybe it's actual naivety. maybe it's depression. or asexuality. autism. i love the idea of love, god knows i've spent too much of my life sticking two characters together in different scenarios, falling in love in a thousand different ways in a thousand different worlds. and i've stuck myself in those fantasies. well, different fantasies from those. i spent so much of my teenagehood believing in fate, in soulmates, thinking i knew from the start which person i was going to spend the rest of my life with. and then i didn't. and somehow i still kept believing that when the right person came along, i'd know.

but i've always felt a little outside of love. marriage, soppiness, expensive gifts, pda, valentines day. i never really felt in it. even when i've had crushes. even when i've been swept up in romance. maybe it's the queerness. maybe it's the neurodivergency. or the weird sheltered religious upbringing. maybe it's the fact i've never really dated someone. or i'm just lost in my head.

it's strange to write so much about love, to feel so much deep affection for your friends and for every person in your life, to feel so close to grasping love you can almost feel it on your fingertips, but still feel so outside of it.