Sick of being with myself

Sorry, I'm socially awkward and I just don't wanna make things even more awkward. 

I understand it tho. I need plenty of time and space for myself too. But there are also plenty of times I wish I had company but I either didn't have friends or none of them are available at least, and my anxiety coupled with my socially awkward personality, makes me reluctant to actually reach out. Especially with all my borderline issues, I tend to feel people tend to get sick of hearing my shit that everytime they see me approach them or reach out to them, I'm just this depressing being always seeking for validation and is exhausting to be with. 

I don't really intend for every conversation to turn into a therapy session or an introspection into my life. Sometimes it just helps for someone to be there to listen as I reflect, to help me better articulate and understand myself as well. Especially now that I'm broken up with my ex, there really isn't anyone out there for me anymore to have these conversations with or just even the mere comfort and support that someone loving and caring would provide. 

I guess I miss that. The reassurance and emotional support, but I also miss the warmth coming from a caring embrace or the touch of loving hands. Just the small things. 

My ex invited me to play an online roleplaying game recently and she roped me in, introduced me as her best friend, to all her roleplaying friends and her "roleplaying husband". Of course, it was all a game and none of us knew each other irl except for my ex and myself. It was torture and it broke my heart. It was sus that she didn't find it awkward. Perhaps she knew and she wanted to hurt and break me. I really don't know. But after that, we ended up in a fight, I told her I didn't want to see her anymore. I don't know why I accepted her invite to begin with. But at the end of it all, I told her there was a reason I wasn't talking to her. And when she did all that just to hurt me and break my fucking heart anew, that reason became apparent again. 

It's been a while since this all happened. Days have passed. 

I've also been talking to someone who I really like and have a massive crush on. Although I seriously doubt she will ever see me the same way or feel the same way about me. However, I understand she's also been going through some stuff of her own and though she doesn't really tell me much, she doesn't really have to say anything more. But I miss talking to her everyday.

Sometimes I get the wierd feeling and assume that she must have gotten tired or sick of hearing from me. Or maybe it weirded her out the way I'm too obvious that I'm head over heels for her at the moment. But none of that matters I guess. She doesn't have to like me back or feel pressured to talk to me. I guess just missed having those conversations with her. 

If she's not the one, and my ex isn't the one either, maybe I'm rushing things because I'm so sick of being by myself. 

Notwithstanding, I do appreciate all the people in my life including the ones who have come and gone. There are always qualities I see in them that matter to me. Even the people who have hurt me or I have had hurtful memories with.