31 | a mixed bag

nothing much really happened lately

I took my brother out shopping yesterday, just to hang out and as a break from working over the weekend. I also gave him three edibles. Why did I do that? Why didn’t I think about it more? I’m an awful person. Why was I given fuckin SIX of them by my partner I only asked for one. I already told him I was quitting… so why did he give me six? Why did I agree to buy them? I feel so spineless man.

I mean, it’s not a big deal because I’m just not going to eat them and weed isn’t that addictive, but I feel responsible for getting people into something that isn’t quite good for them. I mean, I’m completely fine, but it just leaves a disgusting feeling in my head I suppose. I feel guilty. I’m throwing this stuff away, I don’t like how it’s influencing me and the people around me.

anyways, back on the thank you notes with pinning. I felt a bit bad because I was one of like, three people who didn’t write anything LOLL. I got pretty petty after that last email I mentioned last entry soo. I only really feel bad because I am worried about it reflecting poorly on myself with my professors who I’ll need references from when I apply for jobs.

this year I’ve kind of almost completely withdrawn myself from school. Talking to people I know they’re less and not attending any events with no practical use. I just dislike that place so much and I can’t wait to graduate.

it just felt that I had to sacrifice a lot of myself just to keep up at school. I don’t really have hobbies, strong ambitions or many things I am interested in anymore. I just don’t have the energy. It’s true I’m almost graduating and in a good spot, but I do not feel like a person I enjoy being

In the hallways of one of my classes there’s a picture of a group of students undergoing a pinning ceremony and whenever I saw it I always thought “wow, I do not want that to be me”

recently, my mom also asked if I could go to graduation or pinning. I felt bad letting my parents down, but this is something that’s really important that I put my foot down on for.

I don’t really like attention in general to be honest. I don’t want to be recognized as bad or outstanding, I just want to do a good enough job to lay low and stay comfortable. It’s hypocritical that I’m saying this and posting this publicly online LOLLL, but the thing I like about spacehey is that the algorithm kinda sucks so there’s a very low chance anyone will read this. I’m like posting to a pseudo-audience here, and it’s nice.

well, a good thing that happened yesterday was when one of my classmates came up to me to personally thank me for sharing my notes I took during my preceptorship. It was so detailed apparently they were handing them out to nurse orientees. I’m happy it was useful to people.

bye bye