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my thin plane of existence

i find myself agonizingly lonely sometimes . especially at night . Recently i've started opening my window when it's dark to stare out And i'm trying to enjoy this before the temperature warms up and all the gross bugs crawl out again. and i feel . So. So lonely. something about the silence of it, how dark it is fills my mind with everything i could be doing . All the things i'm missing out on all the things i'll never experience because of so many different reasons . I have no friends that would want to do these specific things, i have no romantic partner, noone is interested in me either. i can't talk to people. i get full of such existential dread sometimes i feel like life is a ticking timebomb strapped to my back and everytime it gets bad again the timer drops by like 20 minutes and i can't reach to diffuse it and noone else wants to. i love the night lots and lots and the inherent peace that it gives me most of the time and the enjoymenti get from staying up but Aughhhhhh

i wish i wasn't so lonely And i wish i didn't spend such a large portion of my life so miserably depressed especially while i was young . It's ruined me And my life And my possibilitiesAnd capabilities and everything that follows . I'm ruined and i will never get better and i don't really want to but at the same time i wish i did . But my idea of getting better is so unreachable so there is no point

but it is ok i guess . I'll just sit through it like every other issue in my life I'll vaguely imply things are bad but i'll grin and smile through it because i'd rather feel like killing mysel;f that have someone pity me Because it makes me want to rip my hair out

i have to go to an english olimpiade on thursday and i'm not looking forward to it . Goodnight

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