feb 13 2024

1

im a yapping fucking thing desperate for attention. ofc theyve gotten sick of me, what else? i should just stop making the effort to make friends, they always leave when they get sick and tired of you until youre just a nuisance to them. (actually, i am the problem im just unbearable to be with, haha.)

2

what a cold day, even more chilly than yesterday and i shouldve brought a jacket or something. the day feels weird, for some reason. nothing bad happened, we only had two classes, shouldve skipped class the whole i couldve caught on with some sleep.

3

are these gifts still even worth it? i no longer have to energy to finish them and i just want to sleep,sleep, sleep... i wish i knew how to show more affection so they'd stuck around... but...

4

these days i often think about how the course i'll take for college will ever be worth it in the long run. i want a job that is high-paying and that will also take me out of this country, while also being passionate about it. i cant imagine seeing myself in my late 30s working at a job i fucking hate and regretting it everyday, how i shouldve chosen my passion even if it didn't get me anywhere. the course i'd like to take heavily depends on my circumstances. my knowledge on the subject, how well i'll do and of course the involvement of money. and how relevant the degree is in this country and whether it'll fetch me a job immediately after i graduate. its depressing to think that there's a lot holding you back from doing what you'll truly love. i come from a middleclass family, enough money for college but money to get to good schools? so far from our clutches. i envy those who money and easily get to those schools. the state of my country doesn't help too, psychology is looked down here, "useless" and a "last option" for most when you've nothing to turn to. jobs here are underpaying(not surprising due to the state of our economy anyway lol). and i need to my course or degree to secure me a spot to able to work abroad, far away from this hellohole. but, you know, money money circumstances AND FUCKING MONEY... most say passion is all you need, i know eventually that passion will die down due to the obstacles one would encounter. i dont know,,,, i wish it was so easy

5

my current situation in my circle of friends made my realize that i really am alone lol. friends that surround me all feel temporary, something that's idk, yearly? another year another batch of people to meet just above the surface. boundaries are especially kept. no wonder nowadays i just hesitate to tell someone out of fear they'll judge, be disgusted and end up alone lmfao. if i cant even meet a long time friend what makes me think i'll end up in a romantic relationship. random to bring relationships up but holy shit now that i think about it i just seriously cant connect with anyone.

oh this reminds me, when my friend apologized for leaving me alone in the event one time, the way they phrased their apology, out of, idk, desperation? feeling bad? "i owe you a lot". it pains me. so much. they only stuck around because they felt indebted to me. i was never a true friend. always just the backup.

and when i thought they genuinely wanted to stay with me and wait for me while finishing my exams, they were actually just asked by my parents and i just felt like an obligation at that moment. i  really, really thought they liked my presence. but again. you know whats worse? i felt selfish at that moment, ungrateful even if i shoulndt be feeling that way. i was embarrassed, ashamed, and thought, i really thought...

one of our classmates saw us still waiting for something, asked why and said the reason. i offered hesitantly they can go(i wanted them to say, wanted to hang out afterwards....) since i really really felt i was holding them back. eagerly they went back and i never felt so lonely and lost at that moment. you know, after all this time, you were nothing to them. 

i know instead of feeling this way i should be grateful they stuck around and tolerated me, you know? but i cant help it, im sorry i cant help it...