i think i'm dyslexic *vine boom effect*

disclaimer (idk if this site is like twitter X so better be safe than sorry) i'm not diagnosing myself nor i want someone to diagnose me, this is just to organise my thoughts and for you to make fun of me if you want to :)

i will though, invade your house at 3am, if you accuse me of "faking it". if i were to fake a mental condition, i'd choose something cooler than dyslexia.  

anyway

i'm certain i'm neurodivergent, but mental healthcare is not accessible where i live so i gotta wait a while until i can finally make an appointment with a therapist/psychotherapist/whatever. i'm not sure if the symptoms i experience are dyslexia-related, but i'll make a list regardless.  

for starters, i combine words. sometimes it's funny, like when i was talking about a brazilian friend and wrote "briend" instead, combining "brazilian" with "friend". it wasn't the first or last time this has occurred. it happens mostly with words that are somehow related or sound the same.

i also write words twice A LOT. i have to proof-read a text at least 3 times to make sure i haven't repeated words, written something incorrectly or even combined them like i said before and, most of the time, it won't even be 100% correct at the end.

sometimes i say something and mean the complete opposite, or at least think of saying it before stopping myself. for example, i almost said "your drawing looks ugly!" when i meant "your drawing looks pretty!". i would've said it if i wasn't paying attention to myself. i talk nonsense if i'm distracted with something else... literally nonsense. i can say something like "get the spoon" when i mean "take a plate". people look at me weird and i look at them with a "come on luv, you know i'm fucked up, get used to it" face. 

another thing, i have a hard time with "on", "at", "in", etc. i thought it was because english isn't my first language (despite being fluent), but i do it in other languages too, even in my native language. so you will probably encounter mistakes related to that in this text. 

grammarly is my best friend

i was gonna write something else but i forgot... that brings me to another point, i have the short-term memory of a goldfish! 

ok, these were the "least obvious" symptoms. now, to the good stuff! 

i forget words. a lot. and this bothers me IMMENSELY. i gotta have a dictionary with me all the time when writing. when talking, there isn't time to search for words so i just start stuttering, moving my hands, trying to gesture WHATEVER THE FUCK i mean. i manage that by thinking of a synonym, searching it up, and looking for the word i want, at least when writing.

two: despite looking it up a thousand times already, i can't tell the difference between east and west. literally no idea which one is supposed to be where. when i used to play minecraft i remember i had a tab open with a compass because i just couldn't remember. yes, i have that problem with right and left too.

and that's because "west" and "east" are phonetically similar words... well, at least for me. i'll have trouble with any words that are similar like that, like "dessert" and "desert", or words that start with the same letter -- however, that happens way more often when talking than when writing. 

still talking about directions, i can't, for god's sake, follow oral instructions. you have to show me so i can understand. yeah, some people are visual learners and that has nothing to do with dyslexia (fun fact: i had to rewrite this sentence 3 times because i kept putting other words instead of "dyslexia" and only realised after coming back 2 times), but, oh my god... i doubt they're as bad as i am. i get ANGRY if someone tries to give me instructions without showing me anything because i am very clear about my INCOMPETENCE when it comes to that. 

i am really bad at taking notes. like..... unbelievably bad. i'll just skip steps, get lost, and i can't write while listening to someone talk. i'm really bad at multitasking. 

sometimes it takes me a while to get jokes.

i read words in the wrong order.

and, lastly, i have a lot of trouble with reading. the words seem disconnected and my brain can't form an instant "meaning" unless i read the sentence at least once again, most of the time, twice. doesn't matter if it's simple. this fucks me up because i actually love reading, but it makes my head hurt. it has gotten way better though, i used to read the same sentence 5 times before getting it. 

"he started crying"

"wait... who? oh, yeah, that guy. wait, what did he do?" *processes it for a whole ten seconds* "oh, yeah, crying" *forces myself to visualise him crying so i can understand what the sentence means* "oof, alright... next sentence". 

this was kind of an extreme example, but it can happen. needless to say, i also skip words when reading, skip whole sentences, etc. while writing too.

ok, that was that. after writing all of that, i guess we can say that it's very likely that i'm dyslexic, but there's not much i can do, eh? i guess i better add it to the pile and cope! and, if you noticed think this text is poorly written, read the title again. 

thank you for reading it all!