canada geese are weird muses

it’s been a minute since i’ve written a blog post, but still much shorter a gap than the last time i said this [or thought this-- can’t remember if i actually wrote about it]. i feel like a lot’s been happening lately, but also nothing at all. it’s a weird sensation for everything to blend together so much. i've wanted to write this blog post for something like a week, so it might feel a little disjointed-- lots of random thoughts & ideas strung together. maybe something like one of those garish beaded necklaces we all made as kids

i sort of touched on this last time, but i feel like i've been sort of withdrawing lately. i don't exactly dislike it, but it's odd. i'm used to being very open and extroverted and really active in the world. i guess i still am-- it's not like i've stopped doing things, really-- but i think i'm just a little more in my own head

it's odd, because i think i'm engaging with communities a lot, but not really people a lot. i'm somehow stuck feeling a little disconnected. it's honestly kind of peaceful, though. i like getting to feel a little restful and introspective. i'll probably return to the real world a little more with time, but for now it's sort of nice

i went to a burrito distribution today with a local dyke-y mutual aid collective, and it was really nice. of course i interacted with them and loved getting to talk, but i also sort of got to meditate and be in my own world while i rolled burritos and handed them out in a park and just sort of paid attention to all the little things around me. a couple of the women there were really funny and made me laugh and smile a lot, too. i love people so much

birds, too. i saw two canada geese fly overhead the other day-- which is kind of an odd occurrence. we have a lot of parrots, crows, and ravens hopping around my city, but i don't often see geese. it was funny, too, because i had just been wishing-- maybe the day or a couple days before-- that i would get a message from a bird, soon. i wonder what this omen meant for me. it felt unusual, but it sort of inspired me. i've been wanting to do more since i saw them. i'm still mulling the meaning over in my gut

birds are my favorite omens, though. they feel like friends raising an eyebrow at you and going "really?" and they're always sort of cryptic. i guess you could call them omen-ous. hah. 

anyway, i saw iron claw with a friend last weekend and it was pretty rough. i honestly sobbed kind of hard. i’ve always been easy to make emotional, but i think it really struck a chord in me just how awful things can be over and over again. it feels like the world really does that to you sometimes. it just gets going and can't stop, only really gaining momentum. it does eventually, of course, but i feel like you can never really shake that feeling that life is supremely unlucky sometimes

it took a bit to process the movie fully, and i spent a lot of time afterwards trying to do my own thing but ending up just sort of reliving it and going “fuck…!” it was a difficult watch, but definitely worth it. my only real critique was that the pacing in the middle when literally every possible bad thing was happening to the von erich family felt a little awkward and choppy. the movie was wonderful, though. i don’t know if i could watch it again, to be honest

on a similar note, i’ve been watching a lot of wrestling and lucha libre lately. i’ve always enjoyed lucha libre, but i think for a long time, it's felt like too much work to figure out all the stories and what matches to watch and where and how-- especially since i don’t live in méxico and it’s a lot harder to find. i think it feels more worth it now, probably because ’m taking a genre study class on wrestling storytelling at the moment. it’s honestly so incredibly fun-- especially because my teacher just clearly loves it so much-- and it’s kind of giving me a love for it, too

i love the politics of lucha libre a lot-- all that the stories stand for outside just “good vs. bad", how it’s sort of a rebellion against violence and oppression. i love the flamboyance, too, of course! american wrestling has been fun to get into for the first time. sometimes the characters are so white, it’s sort of painful, but sometimes it’s just wildly fun and funny. i’m really enjoying it all

it hasn't stopped how much i've been listening to audiobooks a lot, though. i somehow managed to finish go tell it on the mountain, giovanni's room, and convenience store woman all in a week-- and wrote review for them, too [find them here, here, and here, respectively, if you'd like]. my reviews have been getting longer lately. it's been nice letting myself sort of ramble about the books and its ideas instead of just feeling like i should be selling it to some audience or something. i don't know why it felt for so long that my goal had to be convincing someone to read it

aside from that, i've sort of just been working on my neocities and laying around in my room. i've always spent a lot of time in bed-- i have a heated mattress pad, so my bed is kind of the most comfortable thing on earth. i do all my work in bed, and write in bed, and read in bed, and watch tv & youtube in bed, and do kind of everything i could possibly do in bed, in bed. i would play bass & make zines there, too, if i could. i don't know how good it is for me-- it honestly probably isn't-- but i love it. there's something so safe & comforting about a warm, soft pile of comforters & fluff that envelop you while you do the things you want to do and the things you really don't want to do

right now, i really want to re-do my about me page. hopefully it actually happens soon, because i'm not very happy with mine right now. i think it just feels odd to try and talk about myself and not make it a personal essay or a list of the things i like and do. i don't really know how to describe myself succinctly. i'm going to try, though

i've also got to think up some more prompts for a writing club i made on neocities called muse ariadne. it's kind of my pet project at the moment. it's kind of fun to run because i feel like even coming up with prompts is so creative. it's honestly really fun to think of cool prompts i feel could spark thoughts & ideas in others. and it's so rewarding to see people's responses, too. every member of the club is so talented & creative, too, and it feels wonderful to see all the thoughtful & beautiful things they have to say, and that come from what i've asked

that's sort of all that's been going on for me, lately. i'm excited to hopefully finish reading a disability history of the us and braiding sweetgrass, next, and then read left hand of darkness, too ! and then i have even more lined up-- like an etheridge knight poetry collection, the premonition, fifth sun, and maybe [eventually] one hundred years of solitude

i hope you all life experiences that are as in your own head or "active participant" as you'd like, or that fluctuate accordingly. i'll try to write again soon

- xalli