I DONT WANT FEEL BETTER (tw: vent)

YEA, THATS IT, I DONT WANNA FEEL BETTER.... I feel confortable in pain, I need this, I need this miserable life to me bc without all this shit I dont even know how I can live or who I am, I see like  I´m my trauma and disorders, yk? Im stuck in this thing and I dont wanna leave now, Im not bad enough to recover, like recovery of what?? I need to all the others people see how illness Im without me telling/showing them, bc if I tell they will be like "oh you are victimizing yourself, your life isn´t that bad, you´re selfish". Maybe I´m looking for validation? Maybe...but I need this, bc without that validation how can I know that I´m illness?? Make sense? I dont know how to explain.... Its everything confused in my mind....