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hello blogg :) :) <3! i've been thinking to myself a lot about my art output and what it means in relation to me. i've been posting my art online for like, nearly a decade and so i'm probably coming to this conclusion very late haha but speaking from some place of authority and experience i've also had multiple followings due to all my years... 10 followers, thousands of followers, only my friends and family, 100 followers.. and this used to mean everything to me, and i definitely based my worth and limits on it. like 'well, i only have 10 followers, so there's no point in investing my time into a longform project, no one will see it' (??) or adversely, 'i have thousands of people looking at my art, they're here for a reason, i'll stick to what they followed me over. (???). it stunted my growth either way. BUT veryyy very recently, like, STARTING TODAY LOL! i've been auditioning to nonprofit fandubs, and like, fandom projects and stuff, where it's just a community of people.. creating for the love of creating. and i think that's really what i needed. to create for a community instead of an audience.
i've always had this mental battle with myself where i felt the need to satisfy everyone who acknowledges me, but my perspective has changed a lot, in the sense of like, i don't have my friends. i don't have my audience. in a literal sense. i don't /own/ these things. the only thing i have control over is what i make of them, and that's the only thing i have to work with. if i make of it that having friends and an audience is stressful and hectic, that's what I take away. i think my value of my art right now is just making the most of the situations i have, and that it's my way of making something good out of anything. and it's just been a really good way to get in tune with my soul and the people around me, to see them as people and not.. a thing i have to accomplish. or make better. or make like me. or something. i want to just live among people and not equate my relationships with them to success or failure.
practicing the importance of community has also put me further in touch with my spirituality again and i feel more comfortable celebrating it. i never felt that god has this weirdly specific list of things u can and cant do. i feel that god wants us to be imperfect & make mistakes so that our souls can grow and expand towards our highest purpose through many lifetimes of lessons. it shouldnt be about trying to appease god, but earnestly trying to help & empower your fellow man. not out of guilt or shame, or fear of punishment, but out of the kindness in your heart, pure love. to me, god is just love, the trials are for the purpose of love. i don't really have a strict definition of god or put a label on my religious following, i've built my own opinions. i know this is a really unconventional way of experiencing religion so i don't know how to explain it to you any further *shrug*
but. yea. and, my last blog i said i felt very uninspired. i'm getting back into the swing of creating again.. if it wasnt obvious (^^^). being friends with solely other creatives helps a lot hehe i get to be held accountable. i want to get real good at singing.. i've started doing karaoke just to get me used to projecting my voice and building confidence, because that's half of it really. music is unwaveringly the most fulfilling to me for sure. sometimes creating art, like painting and drawing, feels really isolating to me. when it's just me, and my tools, and nothing else, meanwhile music is creating music with other people.. but i want to get used to loving my own company too. i'm getting ahead of myself LOL focus on one thing at a time girl.. i've genuinely restricted myself from creating /too much art/ every day to avoid burnouts, because when i get inspired like this, i just shut everyone out and make and make and make until i hate it and stop for months. i kind of have a similar relationship with this blog. i'm forcing myself to post even the most imperfect tangents and cringy rambles and not delete anything because i wrote it feeling at some point, it was true to myself, and i'm sick of being inauthentic for the sake of my appearance. i wanna be cringe and messy and let people see how full of love i am.. it's definitely a process. but it feels real good. i feel real good. i've been feeling real good more consistently. it's a skill i've lacked for years but i'm getting better at not letting myself simmer in my depression, and just like, getting up, and letting myself watch a movie or chill or eat or do something i like and THEN think about my emotions, or else i just go crazy and spiral like hell.
uhh i have no real life updates though. a lot of my days right now are just dealing with all this inner monologue. i've been doing hours of just sitting and reflecting every day which is why i'm word vomitting about it. i'm nearly 2 months~~ sober off drugs and i'm adjusting to new medication and therapy and applying to colleges and making completely new friends and stuff so this much change has just made me more aware of..! fuck! i'm a real person! i'm not used to taking initiative in change. so it's just super eye opening lol. but i'm like really proud of myself.
i want to talk to people about art more. i hope i have mutuals here or make mutuals that have a perspective to share about just like.. the creation process. i want to hear everything while i'm forming my relationship with it. i feel like this site is kinda dead? a lot of my mutuals are all posting on bulletin that they're leaving lol?? but ok whatever. sorry this is another doozy of a post, i just wanted to type a little as an intermission before i get back to my projects. love youuu
XO K
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xalli
i absolutely understand this. that's something that i actually really struggled with when i was on a little tumblr community called writeblr. it was so bad simply bc i was Only writing so i could post excerpts and get likes, and then realized you had to make graphics etc too if you wanted attention, n it was so weird n you slowly realized that you're just kind of doing advertising. lovely people, very unhelpful place. anyway, i'm glad you feel like you're pulling out of that :] it's so beautiful to just be able to create for the sake of creating ! one thing i want to remind you of is that like. you shouldn't beat yourself up if you stop creating for a while. there's this comic i love that talks about this idea (https://theoatmeal.com/comics/creativity_breathing) but like... just remember that you have to live and soak in the world in order to create. and it's okay to have times when you aren't creating all that much, and you're just soaking in the world ! wishing you lots of luck :]
my activity on spacehey is sooo sporadic im sorry but whenever i do check my first thought is always. i need to check on my bestie xalli before any other notif. i'm still struggling learning how to get my own website to function how i want but; muse ariadne kind of functions similarly to writeblr i think but is just wayyy more fulfilling for everyone involved since its purely just to write.. u are so epic for it. such a cool project. we need one million muse ariadnes in the world. ALSO YES!!! this is a very popular movie and generic of me but 'kikis delivery service' is a rllyyy good movie with the same kind of message and i always watch it whenever im feeling burnt out with my stuff. i try to treat creation the same way i would with like a job. where people take sick days and vacations and its fine!! just with the environment i grew up in and how art is treated in general tbh i always viewed creating as like, lesser than. like not as serious. but it really can be just as a mental toll as having a job is which sounds obvious when u type it out but the brain works in mysterious ways. i hope u are doing well ^_^<3 im gonna try be more active.. i feel like i always say that and disappear..
by áine; ; Report
i totally get it !! and ur so sweet pls ily. my favorite spacehey acc for real !! 💗 website coding is SO hard but it def gets easier w time !! i am wishing you sooo much luck. and YES ! i used to be on writeblr n it was cool for a little but i started to hate how much it prioritized flashy graphics that reused the same quotes over actually sharing and interacting w writing. very excited to have a more community based space for sharing things... n YESS !! such a lovely movie omg. all ghibli movies really are just so wonderful. i love that abt sick days n vacations too !! genuinely so true. i think that used to work, but now it's sort of weird bc it's much more long term for me ? i'll have like months where i don't produce anything yk ? it's a weird feeling, but i'm getting used to allowing it. i'm doing pretty alright though :] a bit tired but chugging through and reading a lot ! i hope you're well too ^)^
by xalli; ; Report