who am i

((this is somewhat of a vent))

i think that the question of who you are is a common one. but it's one i struggle with, especially because i am a people-pleaser. there are so many things that i don't do, because i think that other people won't like it, or that i would be a bother. i worry so much what other people think. so there are things that i think about myself, about who i am, that i want to explore further. but i am too worried that other people won't like it, and so i don't follow up. and some of it is surface level things. like, i want to dress in some more 'weird' styles (at least weird in alabama ._.). and i want to be open about my gender, and have people use my chosen name and pronouns, but i get so worried about what other people will think. and i know, logically, that if they do think it's weird, or stupid, or cringe, that it is their issue, and i shouldn't care what they think anyway. but i still don't move forward with those things.

i've gone by moss on the internet for almost 8 years now, but i've been wondering if that is a dumb name. and i think that i shouldn't worry about it. there are a few reasons that i choose moss, and they are important to me. but there are lots of other people named moss, and it makes me feel like it is a cringy name.

idk, i've just been thinking about these things, especially because i am in a place where i haven't been super happy for a while... and i would like to be happier, but i don't know how. and i take so many meds, and i don't want to, but i keep being worse, and so my psychiatrist gives me more meds.

i guess i just want to be happy, but i don't have the strength to do that.