school bystanders u suck

Every memory from school is bad its like im a idiot and dont think like tf am i doing wtf why is everything is so embarrassing like in school it feels like my face is physically melting like my face is so ugly its embarrassing wanting to do the best educationally but not even comprehending anything even giving up is worse bc somewhere down the road youll know it would bite you in the ass so you keep trying but mentally just wanting to give up seeing/hearing everyone understanding things you dont even know where to start wanting the best for the people around you but ppl are so cringly cruel to ppl that dont know them or their friends but you know them you were child friends or just friends now its so icky just watching  wanting to stick up for them but knowing both people your too cowardly to do anything picking the wrong side because your too scared of the consequences im literally the definition of a bystander watching everything go by but not doing shit ignoring everything acting like nothing happened school is literally turning into every person for themselves for me i hate myself for it sounds pissy pussy but my mind moving fast but mouth doing shit, sounds weird but i always replay those moments in my head but this time id defend them out loud sticking up for them making up stories in my head on how i would stick up for them making things up its driving me crazy knowing cruel people as 'friends' are so draining they are human wrecking balls despite everything i bet they do those things to be 'better than everyone else' i hate even being around them hating forcing myself associating with them turning nice people down bc i know there gonna say something fucked and not wanting them to experience that side of you were you switch to a bystander being selfish to safe your own ass hoping they dont hate you for being a lil bitch bystander protecting them but also yourself no matter how much i deflect by being rude to myself its still true your watching your friend get bullied by your other 'friend' a friend that doesnt care ab you so why so i ignore there cruelty and practically pick there side ? im afraid  what they might say/do if i disagree with that side of them the mean cruel bully could do the same to me i dont want that i wanna be happy at high school but i feel so guilty and i should!! adults say stand up for others but what happens to me i get the other persons beatin i think im terribly terrified of what would happen i dont even think i can stand up for myself that well i just laugh it off or talk down to them but in a jokey way i dont know why i do care about my other kind friends i really dont know i feel miss placed i was probably meant to go to a different school maybe i want to be cool or popular thats why im a total bystander maybe in 2 years ill be like them cruel mean the unknown is scary to me not knowing what could happen physically is scary or their future reaction to what your gonna say knowing they could change how they think about you in a sec over one thing im going in a circle now but knowing people from years ago but acting like you guys dont know them physically wanting to reach out and wave to them but wondering if they've forgotten or never even noticed you back then sucks that feeling of missing out and invisibility hearing those friends talk ab parties meet ups that you weren't there sucks too but watching friends faces sadden as you be a lil pissy bystander is a inner skin gutt feeling changing turning like the butterflies in your tummy just died, i wish i wish on a big fat bright star i was confident to stand up to those people successfully  please any advice?    (Im begging hands and knees on the floor )