★ Dear Diary ★

★ 04 - 02 - 2023 ★

Returning to the source of a stars' tears.

Today my conversation with my mother went better than I expected it to go. I was planning to end all contact with her and the family for when it went bad, but my mom somewhat respected my boundries at that day. Her behaviour is not at what I actually want it to be but she is taking steps to the right direction.

I want her to know that at the end of the day I don't really need her in my life. I need my friends more than her. That's what she doesn't understand right now but its what I want her to eventually accept. I don't need her for my need for attention or care. It's already being taken care of by my friends.

At her current state rather prefer my mother to be dead. It's not coming from a place of hate. Because of how attached my mom is to me, she will become fixated about my rejection of her whenever I do so. I think it'd be a better existence for her if she didn't exist at all. I don't like to see people suffering, though I unintentionally reject my mom for when I have to protect myself from her. 

There aren't many options for her to help her with her individual development besides of self-improvement practises. She doesn't want to attend to therapy and because of her language barrier there aren't any viable options of one. If she fails to accustom to me then I might leave her again for good. For if that happens I hope for her that she discovers how to live a happy life without me in it.

We eneded up deciding to reserve a day for each other once every week. During those times together I hope that I am able to alter her behaviour to make her more fun to be around with. Its not her personality that bothers me but the way she interacts with me.

I mostly want to be with my mom to assist her as no one else is there for her. I expected her sisters to attend to her as they keep involving themselves in her life, but of course they're not the kind of people to rely upon. Since childhood they always were her cause of distress.

I wished that she would've had invested more in to herself before she decided to have a child. In that alternate timeline I definently wouldn't have been born, but atleast the other version of my mom's child wouldn't have to suffer as much.

I didn't ask to be alive and on top of that I couldn't even rely on support from my mom. That was unfair of her. She took care of my basic needs and that was about it. It was school and the internet who raised me and made life fun.

I hope that she is able to change before new years eve. I hope to hear from her that she acknowledges that she was a bad parent to me. It doesn't matter if it was the best that she could've done at the time. I don't even want her to apologise for what had happened. I want her to admit that no child deserves to be treated like she treated me in the past. I don't trust her of not treating people like that again if she doesn't oppose to it.

★ ★ ★

I'm totally going to someday read Jennete Mccurdy's book called "I'm Glad My Mom Died." I already know that I'm going to relate with her with this book.