fuck, man

fell into a depressed slump today, after breaking out of my shell and feeling happier than i have in a while yesterday. i guess it was bound to happen; what goes up must come down and all. i just came to realize how fucked my life situation is, i guess. i worked 19 ten hour shifts back to back and i know that i'll only get to keep maybe 100 of the check that results from it. i don't know when it became like this or why i can't stand up for myself, but it's a vicious cycle. i don't want to disappoint the only family i have left, and they're always going on about how close we're cutting it... so i can't expect to have more of my check, right? but surely between their money and mine, we're paying off our bills and they still buy things for themselves... why can't i do that? why do i have to scrape together pennies on a survey site just to buy myself things, why am i guilted when i can't treat them to dinner even though i'm only left 100 and they always tell me it's for me to spend on myself? why leave it there if i'm expected to spend it on them anyway? why am i doing this? what's the point? i've been using a fucking laptop as a pc for two entire years because i was told that i'd get to buy a new one if i sold the old one, but that money disappeared into their pockets and i doubt it's going to change anytime soon. how the fuck do i learn to stand up for myself and get out of this? i feel like i'm going insane. i want to die.