In the ninth grade, I tasked myself with reading the entire Bible in one year. I had been experiencing intense spiritual paranoia resulting rotting in my room for two years during a global pandemic. I completely dove into Christianity, using all my spare time watching Christian Tiktokers, color coding numerous versions of the Bible, and arguing on Christian servers about the details of the rapture. I was obsessed with living the most moral life possible, even if that meant staying up until 3am in order to complete my Bible reading for that day. I never fell behind.
I was also obsessed with my own mortality, focusing in on the fact that I am temporary, but there was also no possible way to escape living forever. If I believed in God and there really was no afterlife, I would lose nothing (besides maybe all the experiences I could have had if I weren’t held back by the laws of Christianity). But if I did not believe and there was an afterlife, I would be condemned to Hell forever. This seemed like an easy decision to make, but the fact that I would even have to think about not following God was enough proof to me that I was not saved. I would have to believe harder.
I continued on with my moral dilemmas for those two years, in a constant war with myself, often trying to look for “signs” from God in everything. However, I noticed a creeping exhaustion in the back of my mind. The more devoted I was to God, the more afraid I was of failure. Before I knew it, I had a crippling anxiety lingering over me. I was ashamed, and began drifting away from the Christian community. When I finished reading the Bible in a year, I was full of resentment. The Bible is darker and more judgmental than most people think.
After slowly drifting away from my religion, I had a realization. I did not want to be Christian. My life was actually better before. I am now Agnostic and have willingly and purposefully moved away from MY Christianity. I’ve never been happier.
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preittyies
I fully understand your story, being brought up in a Catholic home it was hard to really understand taking it to far and sometimes... I hate to admit it, but Religion can really de-humanize a person! I was once in a similar position and I'm glad that your not over working yourself with Religion nowadays!
Don't get me wrong, Religion can be a genuine guide for some people and really suit peoples day to day living. But sometimes it doesn't work out... sometimes it's better to step back and take a look at your choices (in this case Religion) and think to yourself...
"Am I believing because I enjoy this lifestyle , because of my genuine trust in God? Or am I believing because I fear there's nothing else?"
I'm so glad your in a better much calmer state and you're so brave for coming forward about your experience as not many people do so <3
Take care xx
thank you so much!! glad to hear that somebody can relate. and it’s true that not enough ppl talk ab how religion sometimes harms kids raised under it! i’m js happy to find somewhere to talk ab it. wishing u the best as well <33
by lucy; ; Report