why im not going to heaven

In the ninth grade, I tasked myself with reading the entire Bible in one year. I had been experiencing intense spiritual paranoia resulting rotting in my room for two years during a global pandemic. I completely dove into Christianity, using all my spare time watching Christian Tiktokers, color coding numerous versions of the Bible, and arguing on Christian servers about the details of the rapture. I was obsessed with living the most moral life possible, even if that meant staying up until 3am in order to complete my Bible reading for that day. I never fell behind.

I was also obsessed with my own mortality, focusing in on the fact that I am temporary, but there was also no possible way to escape living forever. If I believed in God and there really was no afterlife, I would lose nothing (besides maybe all the experiences I could have had if I weren’t held back by the laws of Christianity). But if I did not believe and there was an afterlife, I would be condemned to Hell forever. This seemed like an easy decision to make, but the fact that I would even have to think about not following God was enough proof to me that I was not saved. I would have to believe harder.

I continued on with my moral dilemmas for those two years, in a constant war with myself, often trying to look for “signs” from God in everything. However, I noticed a creeping exhaustion in the back of my mind. The more devoted I was to God, the more afraid I was of failure. Before I knew it, I had a crippling anxiety lingering over me. I was ashamed, and began drifting away from the Christian community. When I finished reading the Bible in a year, I was full of resentment. The Bible is darker and more judgmental than most people think.

After slowly drifting away from my religion, I had a realization. I did not want to be Christian. My life was actually better before. I am now Agnostic and have willingly and purposefully moved away from MY Christianity. I’ve never been happier.