Life (vent)

Not even going to lie all life has been so far was a big blur I feel like I've been disassociating myself a lot more recently and it's gotten to the point where I barely remember to day before. I mean I think I'm stressed out and upset but I don't really know how to show that I guess. It's been a really hard couple of months I went from living with my aunt for 16 years to being in foster care in a span of 5 months and I have been placed in three different homes within those 5 months. I thought it was going to help me get better because it's a Therapeutic Foster Care System but so far I haven't gotten any help with anything and I feel like I need it because reality doesn't feel real anymore to me I'm starting to care less and less about other people's feelings are hell I t talk to them, before when I used to talk to people I used to hold my tongue and not say what I really thought but now I don't care how they think of me anymore I'll tell them straight up that they annoy me or whatever, I've just gotten tired of being a people pleaser I guess but it was easier being a people pleaser worrying about other people's emotions and feelings and not having to really focus on mine gave me something to feel like I was needed for but then I got tired and I want it to help myself but I lost everything because of it I lost the place that I grew up in I lost friends that I thought were going to be there forever I lost myself are the self that I was trying to portray. The thing is though I don't blame myself I don't regret doing our being who I am I don't regret sticking up for myself and sticking up for how I feel I don't care that people don't like me now I don't care that people see me different are as a problem because maybe I am a problem to them and maybe I am an issue to them but that's not my fault maybe they need to get some balls and be able to deal with their issues and their problems and not push them on to somebody else especially a child. 

People ask me do I love myself and my honest answer is yes I do love myself because who else is going to love me more than I love me and yeah that might sound a little narcissistic but hey I think I deserve to be able to be a little narcissistic cuz there has been times where I have only hated myself only hate it the way I look the way I sounded the way I felt but not anymore because I realize that all of these things that I hate about myself is because other people tell me I have to hate them. And I have been able to realize that because of the time that I've been able to spend on myself. 

But I still feel sad for having to make up such different world our reality that I go to while I disassociate with reality it said that I wish that I could talk to characters more than I wish I could talk to other people. It said that I have to think about how a character would probably treat me better than human beings on this planet Earth how they would probably show me more kindness and more Humanity than real life humans