mom, will you wash my back

my mother is a very specific specimen. my whole life ive wanted a relationship with her. and i have one, but it isnt the one i want. i dont have words to say of her anymore, i used to be so angry and fuled with the wrong doings of her but its all been poured out. i dont hate her im not even close to hating her, i hate that i cant love her more. she has made it difficult even to where other peoples mothers i would and wish i could cry into the arms of. theres nothing quite like the unsafe feeling of the presence of your own mom. its a pain that i believe compares to no other because its so fundamentally there when there are issues. and its so sad that maybe just maybe she could change and love me unconditionally, but she wont. people dont change, and neither will she. i dont want to live my whole life holding on to that chance. but i want my mom. i want her to hug me and tell me she loves me even if i know she doesnt mean it completely, i just wanted to be loved. im your son for christs sake, love me. she doesnt know who i am. she knows nothing of anything i think feel or go through because it would make my life harder than it already is. i cant sacrifice my mental health and well being for a good- well not even good, bad, honest, relationship with her. i would try to kill myself all over again and i cant fall off. i have worked so fucking hard, too hard, for a okay mindset. im sorry mom.