Sunday night. Party🌎🌎🌎🫶⭐️

i always spiral really hard about myself and my mental health. i was like "oh my god fuck everything i'm never going to write a blog again my life sucks too much" -> "nevermind my life is amazing and everyone needs to see this and i have so much stuff to update on" -> "actually i live the worst life in the history of the world and no one wants to hear this". and i thought this internal dialogue was a battle i've been having with myself for /at least/ a month.. and then i check... and it's only been a week since i've uploaded.. TT

seriously though. my life actually does suck a bit right now. i've been tsunami-level hit with a wave of depression and i haven't left bed since yesterday morning other than to eat and shower. UGHH. and, this week-next week is my mock exams, but i was like "genuinely it takes a mental pep talk for me to change position when i'm lying in bed, so of course i don't have the willpower to do my mocks, fuck off" and the head of my year was like "ok just do the mocks at home :)" ???? so yay???? this is extremely against regulation. i was fine with missing the exams. i don't know why they are breaking this rule for me. i guess i should be touched. surprisingly, i actually have the self restraint to not google all the answers.

i have plans this february that i'm looking forward to.. and i hope this feeling is gone so i don't miss any of it. there's a few punk shows spotted around my calendar, and valentines day, and i'm going out to dinner with my friends (and i'm paying for everyone -_-;;), AND! ONE THING I'M HYPED FOR! me, and a few of my IRLS, there's like 20~ of us, have taken on this massive project to hopefully be finished by summer. I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED. so, like basically, there's this town about 30 minutes away from us, and the town is like 70% beach, it's a really gorgeous place..

and like, in between all of the forest, there's this super old skating bowl. this video is the only evidence i have of it like.. existing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWwh6azTX7Y). and this is from 2012. and a rumor spread from a popular local skater that the bowl got demolished, and no one was really assed to check i guess, so it got totally abandoned. but we found it and it's still there- it's just super nasty now. and we're going to renovate it ^_^ this project has a lot of national interest, a lot of magazines and skating pages are posting about what we are trying to do, and i'm like super flattered, because it just went from a project a bunch of weird kids took on, into an actual like. Thing. that's happening. by the beginning of summer we hope to have it done, and to put shows on at it and stuff, we like got a permit from the council of the town. this is L-E-G-I-T. 

right now though i'm prioritizing getting out of this weird depressive episode i guess. i'm using nicotine patches which have a lot of strange side effects, and my diet is real bad, and i'm nearly 2 months sober, so my body is just disagreeing with everything right now. i'm going to clean my room and exercise and finish an exam and hopefully that will help. i joined a sport (boxing) and am seeing a psychiatrist soon, for the first time since i was like 13. i really want to avoid this getting any worse =_= sorry this entry is mundane it is because i feel mundane. i haven't really been reading or doing art or playing guitar or anything because i just feel shiiiiiit. i Also have not responded to anyone on here! oops! i will do that after i post this i mean it!!! I'm taking a week-long socmed break (like. the mainstream ones. instagram, snapchat, tiktok, twitter) and it is already helping. i'm trying to move to more quiet forms, i have a mastodon and a tumblr and a cohost page. i have really bad FOMO so it's a hard adjustment but they are so much less negative spaces to be in. uhhhh yeah i seriously have no other updates. u_u. i think this is like, The Start of when things will start looking up though. janruary was just a really difficult month, and a lot of people agree with me which makes me feel a bit better LOL. A lot of my mutuals are really inactive on this account so my goal moving forward on this website is to find people actually using it.. and interact with the people who do. sorry this one kind of sucked.

XO K