FP TALK (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )

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i need someone to obsess over , life is so dull and boring without a hyperfixiation / obsession.
i really want to obsess over my boyfriend but i just cant fully get myself into it and it upsets me
˚ ༘`✦ ˑ ִֶ 𓂃⊹ʚɞ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚
i just want to be so obsessed that its ruining me,ruining us.
i want my world to revolve around him but i just cant.
i miss having a fp and at the same time i hate it sm
its just a constant saga of my fp trying not to trigger me and i hate it
but i miss the feeling so badly.
it makes me feel like i have a purpose and i miss that.
without a fp life feels like an empty void that i got no control over
im so scared to get a fp other than my bf too because i know i will feel rage/jealousy towards them
and i dont wanna be jealous over someone who is not my partner i hate having bpd
having a fp..is also a death wish.its like a two sided knife.
when i dont have one im empty when i have one im a mess.

i wish i was different