⚝ 007 ﹒02.02.24 ﹒🦷

writer: 🦷 atziri

uhm . well . hello . hi . how's it going . my name is atziri but you can call me ethan . pronouns shi / vae . uhm . i'm an introject of ethan winters from resident evil so thumbs up emoji . 

introduction check . uh . how the fuck do you write blogs what .

well . i dont remember much from yesterday's entry because i wasnt there to see it written , but i remember a mention about low energy and yeah . yeah . that low energy carried over to today , despite my best efforts . slept a lot today , didn't do much , but yeah the night is still young . 

the least i can say is that azalea got some writing done for meye oc itzameni . 2k words of it , woo ! zhey were really excited to have finished it , so there's something positive about the day . 

still very tired , may need to drink some coffee tomorrow to keep me awake if eyem still exhausted . 

was thinking about future stuff unfortunately , even though meye therapist recommended to stay in the present for right now . just worried about getting a job and raising money to move out . also worried about the costs of like . all the medical shit eyem going to need to start paying for on meye own . its gonna be a lot eye realize , especially because of how little energy eye have and how quickly eye need to have that addressed before eye just am down and out for the rest of meye life . 

as supportive as eye am for that lifestyle for others who may need it , eye know eye wouldn't enjoy or want it , so eyem doing meye best to avoid it . which is getting increasingly more difficult as time goes on . 

but no matter . 

in more positive news eye've started to fixate on my source again . it's been a while since eye've been properly focused on and fixated on resident evil , and i'm definitely down for it if it means alters in this brain will stop making jokes about my source trauma lol . as funny as it is to them , it's not very funny to me if i'm honest . just a little bit . 

but getting fixated on my source again also just reminds me of all the people from home i dont have around me who i miss . like my daughter rosemary . i love her so much and miss her so much . i wish i could see her again . she was my darling baby girl and i havent seen her for ages , and i'm losing hope that i'll ever get to see her again . 

sometimes i wish i could just disappear ya know ? like this system is great and all , i don't mind the people here . just . i really miss my home . my family . 

i guess a positive is that here , bioweapons and zombies and mold infections aren't a thing to worry about . so there's that . still doesnt change the fact that i've been uber upset about not being able to hold my baby anymore . 

oh the life of a parent in a system i suppose  .

the least i can say is that while i've been here i've been able to see some familiar faces . karl , chris , mia , lucas . the last two i'm not entirely sure how i feel about . mia was my wife sure but it never really felt like we were married while we were together . she was always hiding something from me and expecting me to be the perfect " husband " for her and my daughter . but i'm not putting the burden of those personal memories onto the introject i've met of her , as she doesn't even remember who i am now . its a clean slate i suppose , though i'd rather not interact with her . 

lucas was . hm . if i'm completely honest i just think something is wrong with me . 

from my memories , he was terrible . he was abusive and tortured me and mia for days . i shouldn't even be considering a life where i keep contact with him . but that's where it splits . those are just MY personal memories . HIS personal memories are different , and in HIS memories our lives intertwined in a different way . so i want to give him a chance i thinik . i know i dont have to but . he does seem to act genuinely different than i remember so maybe he's decent . 

i shouldn't really be talking about my sourcemates like this but i dont know i just needed a place to get it out . 

with karl and chris i guess i should have more negative feelings towards them than i do but . i just cant bring myself to hate them or be angry with them for long . i mean sure , i can be rightfully mad that chris witheld important information from me , that he treated me like glass when i could damn well take care of myself , that he lied just like mia did . but ... i don't know . i can't help but be happy he's here . he came back to me , he apologized , he said he would do whatever i needed him to do to make it up to me . and he's been doing it ! he's given me time , space , he's listened to my angry feelings and why they're there . he's been wonderful . so i can't really stay mad , because even if he fucked up he's trying to get better . 

and karl . ough . i should hate that guy . i really should . he hurt me , sent me through a maze of beasts that wanted to kill me , proposed to using my fucking daughter as a weapon against an admittedly common enemy , but . god . i'm getting soft . 

he literally didnt know any better . with all the others here , they should have known . they had access to multiple things that would have proven their behaviour to be wrong . they had people to talk to and role models to look up to .

karl didn't . he didn't have anyone or anything besides his abuser and those around him who were also being abused and used . he didn't know any better and it hurts me to know that he could have been such a wonderful and free person without that motherfucker who ruined his life . 

i don't owe him anything . i dont have to give him a chance . 

but i have and i have yet to regret it . because i was right . when given the chance and the patience , he's done his best to get better . he's struggled and relapsed , i will admit it . no recovery is perfect , especially after enduring the abuse he has for so long . but he's trying , and he's asking for help , and i want him around . 

so no . i can't stay mad at him or chris . i can't force my personal memories onto those who could prove themselves to be different . i've chosen to give them a chance , to let their actions speak for themselves rather than their past . 

so far it's been fruitful , and i hope it continues that way . 

thank you for listening by the way . 

i didn't even know i needed to talk about this until i started typing . 

it's just been bottled up in a pit in my chest for weeks and i was exhausted from carrying it around . but i feel better now that i've talked about it . even if there isn't much anyone could do about it . 

ciao for now .