febuary 2nd 2024

today hasnt been the best day so far, not that anything bad is going on its just me and im so not into today, i feel disgustingly bloated, nauseous, and overall i have the worst fucking stomach pains and im so light headed. its stupid. last night i did some homework, and today ive been trying to turn in every assignment thats handed to me. im having a good day but im so gloomy. i feel so alone but all i want is so be alone and it sucks. i feel so not sure whats even going on around me and its so annyoing i feel as if i had the worst sleep but not even that. im upset about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. its so stupid because all i want to do is go home lay down and cry, i feel so fucking dumb for it, i know theres nothing wrong with how im feeling its just annyoing cause my mood just goes onto others and THATS SO FUCKING ANNOYING. i feel all i can do is complain right now and i cant stand it, i cant stand this stupid pain im in and i just want it to be over, cant forget to mention HOW I CANT EVEN DRAW. the moment i try to put something down on the paper i fail!!1!1! its like i cant even get a simple stroke down. everything im doing today is upsetting me.

i wish all my work was on a piece of paper, you know how EASY it is to keep track of all that, paper assignments are so easy i wish nothing was on the ipad everything is so hard to keep track of now. god i wish i was 12 all over again and i had nothing to worry about except for my stupid little friendships. i wish i didnt have to grow up so quick. im so happy i grew up but i have no idea where im even going im getting pushed in all sorts of directions and i cant seem to choose just one to follow, eveyrthing is out of control and its as if i spilled all my puzzle pieces on the floor and now i cant put them back together. i hate feeling like a lost child who cant find his parents anywhere around, i feel so helpless all the time like im just in my own self pity hole and i cant seem to climb my way out. it feels as if nothing ever goes my way and god i dont want to care because i know this is how life works out, i dont want to complain anymore i wish to get all the things i want but i always forget to be patient. i hate complaining but its all i want to do but complaining gets me NOWHERE. i am TRYING to do everything i can to do it right im trying to fix and am fixing everything i can. things are so stupid and get so hard and all i can do is get through it cause no one else can do it for me.

all i want to do is talk about me, i want to talk about the stupid little things i do but no one sees things the same way i do, i want to be in my head only and i wish to let my creativity SPILL all over the page, with so many different bright hues all the different shades, i love color i wish it was more in my art and i am putting it in my art but it doesnt always look the best. theres so many little things that goes on in each and every one of our lives but nobody talks about them, like simply walking outside and waving at a neighbor or seeing a pile of ants all crawling back into the dirt, i know it sounds a little ridiculous but theres so many little things, like just picking up a pencil or actually paying attention somehwere, the things that are normal that no one ever talks about because its so common, no one takes a moment to breathe a look around, i feel i need a moment like that alot of the time, i just want to sit and stare, just breathe in a smell the air or sit and appreciate the time and moment that im living. i wonder if any of that makes any sense. 

have you ever taken a look at hat features you have of your mom and dad. i have, i love it, its an amazing little feeling. let me explain, for example, my brother has one eyebrow like my mom and one like my dad, ooh or my favorite to tell people, my thumb and index finger are like my moms and the three others are like my dad, or how my eyes are like my dads and my nose is a mix between my moms and dads. its kind of crazy,   

i am a mix of what once was love,

i wonder if that makes any sense.

i feel alot better after talking a little bit thanks for listening. :)

do you also feel alone?