Is this normal? What is this?

(originally posted from my website blog)

I feel like I'm confused on some things right now. I don't know what I'm feeling, it's just I don't feel like I'm where I want to be currently. One thing I'm real stuck on is my gender. Like, I feel like I look too feminine or like too many feminine things, but I also dont feel fully "feminine," if that makes sense. I know I say I prefer gender neutral pronouns, but I just don't know what I am. I don't want to be feminine, I don't want to be masculine, but I hate being lumped into "girl" things with my family or people at school or anything and the same for "boy" things. I kind of just want to be my own thing, but I don't know what this thing is since I keep thinking I look too feminine, which makes me think, "oh you look like a female you're female you have to be female you aren't androgynous enough." Sure I like feminine things like dresses and frills and cute things, but I really want to be able to tell myself that liking feminine things =/= being female. I can't stop this thought process, and no matter how hard I try wearing things I like or hiding my body, I always tell myself "people know you know you're not andro you're not cute or look like those short skinny people who look perfect you're ugly you're an ugly girl." It's hard. I hate these thoughts but they come back like every day, even now. Is this normal? I want to label myself something, but I feel like if I do I won't feel fully like that and I'll feel like I'm faking. Maybe I'm just ranting so I'll cut it short here sorry.