How Can We Be Brutal?

   While cutting and pulling threads on a jacket for my job, the goal was to make it look worn in. I was roughing up its edges as I noticed how careful I had to be in my destructive act, not too much, only here and not there. with such precision, cutting the threads in such a way that the integrity of the garment isn't compromised. I thought about, while being dominate in a scene, how careful you are in the act of domination.
How can we be brutal? We know how to suppress our brutish desires, we are taught at a very young age “don't hit other kids!” and “we don't say those kinds of words.” It's been awhile since we’ve really listened to the voice in our head or the little red devil on our shoulder, who tells us “she looks cute, pull her hair!”

The best kinds of people are ones who can make space for those voices to be heard, however cruel, unkind or brutal they may be. In kink we often find ourselves with strong desires to be brutal, to hurt and curse at someone - not because we really hate them or because they have wronged us, but because we really like them and want to have an enjoyable time together. It sounds like a paradox, “why would I wanna hurt the people I like? This isn't what love looks like at all!” you exclaim. You’re right, it’s not love at all. It's lust.
That dark side you have been told to keep hidden jumped up when it heard its name: brutal. I don't need to teach you how to be brutal, you're very capable of that already, maybe even a little eager. But how do we act on these desires when it's been clearly told to us that we shouldn't?

What do you know about niceness? And isn't it the same as being kind? Well, colloquially the word “Nice" is synonymous with being well mannered, cheerful, and pleasant to be around but also harmless or average. In a vanilla context it's perfectly acceptable to be nice. You can be well behaved and pleasant to be around without always being kind. Niceness tends to come off as shallow or superficial, polite only for the sake of being polite.
In the kink world, you will find much greater success in kindness. That's because while in kink
we do hit each other, often using really vicious language, there's always a present force of love behind it. It's not easy to explain, one must be empathetic while being degrading. Think of a Sympathetic response of “I feel bad for you” or “that must have really hurt” where the understanding is only on the surface level. An Empathetic response however, will look like “I feel for you” and in kink “your pleasure is now my pleasure.”
A kind person is described as having a good heart or a good soul meaning their actions come from a deeper place of connection and understanding. Kindness is selfless and dependable, it will feel empathetic rather than sympathetic.
Kindness is felt, niceness is only recognized.
It's necessary that you be kind before you are brutal, that way you listen to every breath for what might be a whimper for mercy and that you are able to grant it willfully, everytime, without irritation or annoyance. That you are a constant presence of ease and total trust.
I've found that there is no joy in this play without its aftercare. If I cannot express my gratitude, my love for my partner. If I am not there for them like I promised then I have just committed a violent act. It's during aftercare that I not only access damage but aid it too, I am both the brute and the saint.

To an outside viewer the jacket looks like it's been through hell and back, ripped up the sides and edges frayed. Only I know how careful I was and all the skill and knowledge that went into making it. I like how, as Doms, our “work” can be shown and appreciated in much the same way. The Bottom person as a work of art. Clothes and art have “feelings” just as Bottoms have real feelings - cultivating these is an act of creation on the part of the Dom. Without that deeper understanding of what I'm really doing here I end up ripping up a perfectly good jacket for nothing.
The connection between distressing a garment and being a Dom in BDSM, kindness as a motivator for destruction which then becomes an act of creation. I pull at specific threads, I hit specific places on the body, and both times I think “not too much, only here and not there.”
My connection and devotion to the scene is making the scene better. I enjoy myself more and my partner enjoys it more. When my sadism is motivated by kindness I am free to enjoy the pleasure that comes with it.

I know for me, when I Dom, I'm filled with so much love. It's sizzling. like electricity, it zaps with every slap across the ass. My hands always burn afterwards. I was told you get used to it but I hope I never do, I hope there's scorch marks or soot left afterwards.
When I'm in there and I see them looking up at me with hope, with fear in their eyes, oh there's nothing I wouldn't do for them right then and there. I'll break my promise to my mother when I said I would stop hitting or cursing or pulling hair. she doesn't have to know because here, right now, when it's just me and my partner, nothing else exists. Nothing is as important as doing exactly what he wants me to do, exactly what I'm good at.

“remain vulnerable - meaning that showing conflicts and uncertainty is both interesting and a sign of strength.”