Thoughts before sleeping

Thoughts before sleeping

I usually stay up late at night wandering in my thoughts, sometimes my mind can go from being my best friend to my worst enemy and vice versa; I think about myself, others, the past, the future and even the present. That's how I come to these thoughts, thoughts of all the lives we won't be able to live.

At some point in our lives we have all asked ourselves: what would have happened if...? Every person unknowingly constantly walks invisible paths even when we are not even moving, it is undeniable once you think about it carefully, and every path we choose leads us to change. Everything and everyone changes in one way or another, we live in constant change, and they are not changes that life gives us but changes that we ourselves choose. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you had chosen blue pants instead of black? Or, more drastically, if you had run away from everyone where no one could find you again? I do it too much. I have always felt that life was too short to live, that maybe in this life I would never see real giraffes, I would never meet that celebrity I admired so much or that I would never be able to have that little country house in Italy, or maybe I would. I've only been around for a short time, but it feels eternal, I feel that if I haven't been able to accomplish even half of my goals, maybe I won't be able to complete them all because I've wasted time without doing enough or what's necessary. 

I know I would have made different decisions, if I were different, at least I could have achieved something; like maybe if I had left the house earlier that day I could have met the great love of my life or something. There is so much to know, to experience and to discover that not even one life would be enough for me to do it all, I really wouldn't want to die without even having started to live and at the same time I would like to die for fear of not knowing how to live. I think that is the big problem of each person, not knowing how to live and still longing for it, there is no manual for it nor anyone to teach us how to do it correctly because I firmly believe that each person has different definitions of happiness. 

I have heard the phrase “time is a thief” many times and I have always agreed, but with a different context than the one they refer to. For me, time is a thief of possibilities, it has stolen moments that may never happen, people that we may never meet, dreams that we may never dream of.

What makes me think the most about all this is that perhaps I could not be satisfied in any other path taken, or perhaps I could become disillusioned, and that terrifies me. It terrifies me to think that the life of my dreams is just a lie disguised as a fantasy, that despite all the effort I will end up missing the dissatisfaction of me now, but it also terrifies me that I won't get there; I live in a limbo between the dreams that I must fulfill to overcome my fears, fearing life and death. It's the bad thing about being young, because in youth you choose your first paths that will lead you to something, but to what? To happiness or to sorrow?

R.Y.M