!!VENT!! TW: intrusive thoughts and su!cide

TLDR: I'm ok now I just need a space to get this out of my mind.

There is a lot of build up to this but the main thing is that at the start of the year I had a massive autistic meltdown because of work. My autism hinders me at learning motor skills at a „normal“ pace and that’s fucking me over. I take too long for simple things. That day I reacted very badly to it. I was non-stop crying and walked straight to the train station after work. I wanted to see how I would react when a train passed me. I wanted to indulge my suicidal intrusive thoughts. I thought if I'll get urge to jump, I’ll do it. And there was a tiny voice in my head that really wanted me to do it. I didn’t of course. I let the train rush past me. That was the closest I got to killing my self I think. I thought I was way past this. I thought these feelings would never get this strong again or that I could at least push them back before they get too strong. I feel so dumb for indulging these thoughts and so guilty and ashamed. I feel so disgusted that there is a part of me that would have done it. Who would have left behind everything without even a proper goodbye. Who would have left my friends and family mortified. I haven’t told any of them yet and I don’t think I will. I don’t want to worry them. I am stable, this was just a bump in the road I guess. But I will tell my therapist the next time I see her.

Please. If you are reading this and also have suicidal thoughts please reach out to someone. Please get the help you need.