TW - mention of sh

you asked me why i cut my own hair so suddenly

“i don’t know” i said “i was bored”

in reality i do know

i look for a way to permanently alter my body

a way to show that i am in fact not okay and haven’t been in years

the spot for altering my body has been filled by endless scratches and cuts and bruises for years

but now i find something standing in the way of its help

recovery?

not really

my friends and family step in the way

closing off the path of my never healing scars

allowing them to finish their cycle and close off properly

i’m not ready for recovery

but i’ve been pushed into a corner w weekly body checks

pills

sunlight

i am not ready

not yet

so thats why i find myself cutting chunks out of my hair when something goes wrong

a way to alter myself

a way to prove to myself that i am not okay

and haven’t been for years