ache for hurt and violence

pierced my eyebrow on the 20th i believe... Last saturday basically. the worry about it migrating/rejecting is UNREAL and i keep accidentally bumping it and that's not helping. oh well.

the other day i was walking home after school and i was thinking about how i've been clean for like 2 months or so [insert confetti here] and like for a few minutes it was like. Wow that's kinda awesome. but then i honestly am not sure what happened and .  I was just so awfully upset about the fact that i've been clean That i'm not cutting myself That i feel GOOD and not sad and miserable. like i feel like all of it and all the scars were worth nothing if i'm Ok now ? It makes me feel like a fraud . But i'm vaguely over it, i guess. 

Speaking on the topic of harm is anyone else completely incapable of imagining themselves in a healthy loving romantic relationship . Bcuz i am.  Like i YEARN for romance every day of my life but when i think about it i like physically feel weird thinking about being in something that is healthy and loving . I Feel like i am not good enough for that And I Feel like i could only be somewhat loved if it's mixed with violence or abuse . I Don't like  Crave that stuff . Like sure i read it in fiction and i think about it and it's intertwined with my ocs and i know it's Wrong. and tht noone should have to experience that but i just feel Wrong even just allowing myself to enjoy the DAYDREAM of something cute and wholesome and affectionate because I just do not believe i am worth any of that . And i get like sick trying to imagine myself in it because i just feel too fucking hideous to be loved Ever >_< or idk . Maybe i do crave it on some weird fucked up subconscious level And if i do by dear lord to i hope it never comes out far enough for me to be chill with it

but i suppose life goes on . I'm fated to live in my own mind either way, so i suppose none of this makes that much of a difference v_v