whining!

i mentioned that guy i've had my mind on, i'm tired of writing in my diary and my friends are sooo tired of hearing about him. i'm just gonna call him by his initial, D. 

basically we've been on and (mostly) off talking since july 2022. we get along rlly rlly well, but i liked him and he didn't feel the same so we stopped talking. it's really annoying because he established that he didn't like me the second time we talked, then acted like he did the third. 

i know i wouldn't be COMPLETELY over it, but i still think it would have been much easier to deal with right now if he didn't come back again. we talked for a few days back in october and ever since then, i've been getting constant reminders of him. we aren't even in the same state, how the f is he infiltrating my life so bad!!!

i really REALLY REALLY hate to say it because usually it's just misogynistic incels saying it, but he kinda led me on :/ like, he was clearlyyy flirting with me and entertaining the attention i gave him. how come boys are sooo incapable of just letting a fun thing be fun? why is every relationship life or death with them lol. even if i was dating for marriage, i wouldn't be entirely depressed when a fling doesn't work out!

anyway, i kinda feel like starting this blog is my way of getting back at him. like, i'm listening to 2000's metal, using the myspace remake, dressing straight out of a 2000's alternative catalog, i even cut my hair short like a seattle grunge chick again. all of this is to say that i'm doing his aesthetic 10x better than he does. whatever, it's how i've wanted to be for 4evr.

still though, i have this gut feeling that it's soo not over. he's gonna come back, i'm not sure when but it'll have to be before my 19th birthday. i told myself that obviously i'm still gonna be thinking of him, but the door for him to come back will be SHUT. i know i need to have some more self respect, but man i'm doing the best i can! 

maybe not since i'm putting this all out online ... oh well, no one in my entire state is likely to have an account on here, and my audience on other socials are really the type so whatever !!

n e wayz, i still need new book recs so if anyone has any LET ME KNOWWWW :3