a change of pace

it's been a minute-- less than last time, though! so that's a win in my book. it's a new year, which is an odd feeling. i'm used to it being 2023, and i don't really feel the need for that to change quite yet. this year is about to be one of the most stressful ones in my life, so i'm just looking for anything to keep me afloat right now.

hoping to find a bass teacher to keep me on track with practicing regularly, do at least five minutes of Real Things (TM) per day, and keep preparing for evil exams, mainly.

i'm reading a book called fox & i right now, and i have pretty mixed feelings right now. i have a lot to say, but i think i'm going to save that for my book review on storygraph. will of course share that when the time comes, too. oh! i finished one on a gwendolyn brooks poetry collection, though it's not particularly amazing. you can check it out here if you want to. anyway, the main plus for me is that it has the most vivid, beautiful descriptions of the natural world that i've seen in a while, and i feel infinitely more connected to everything around me because of it

since i started reading it, i’ve wanted to be outside more and more. i started spending a few minutes every morning on my porch, just taking in the world as best as i can– feeling how the wind sort of burns my cheeks but also makes them colder, and how the moon is so small and light in the sky, and how the plants seem to be waking up with us. i haven’t been as good about it lately, but i hope i can get back to doing it every day. it’s such a lovely feeling

i think the memoir kind of informed all of my “new year’s resolutions”, honestly. it feels sort of funny to call them that, because the resolutions i made this new year’s are more a part of a cycle of resolutions i continuously examine and adjust and add to and remove from, but i guess i made these ones up with the new year’s, so that’s what they are! i’ve been playing bass a bit more with the start of this year, and really trying to explore music theory formally after a decade of music instruction that was kind of just based on practicing new songs forever. it's pretty hard, but i think it's going to be good for me, even if music theory is bullshit

it got me thinking about how when i was younger and in voice lessons, i managed to learn how to pick out every note in a chord my teacher played and sing them back in only a couple weeks.. and forgot how just as fast. it’s wild how human brains just take what they want to know and discard the rest. i wonder if i could even relearn that as fast, now. i might not be able to

i woke up early the other day– at 5 in the morning– and it was raining and the sky was dark with all of the clouds and the night, but it had that purple-dark feeling. it was so beautiful, and i kind of wished someone was there with me; a person or an animal or something. i wanted to hold someone and just melt into the warmth of another body and fall back asleep in the rain. it was nice alone, too, though. both have their perks, i guess

tonight, i read a piece at an open mic– sort of about that experience, but sort of not. i wove in my grandparent’s dog from my childhood. his name was charlie, and he was about a decade older than me, and we grew up together. we still have a video of us passing a ball– him pushing it back to me with his snout– and a photo of me in diapers holding him with all my arms could stretch over. i miss him a lot, honestly. i’m not going to share the poem, ‘cause i wanna edit it lots (and maybe submit it somewhere?), but it’s good, i promise

i’ve been talking about a lot of random stuff here. i kind of wish it was less rambly, but it’s alright. i’m going to give myself permission to post shorter blogs with random topics and not feel like everything has to be a thoughtful essay, so hopefully you’ll hear from me again soon(er)

alright. make some reasonable new year’s resolutions you can actually follow through on. i hope you’re well, reader

- xalli