fight flight or freeze

to miss blog i feel like a bad person. are you fight flight or freeze? anything but fight x ,, anyway sometimes my friends seem so excited to see me at school and i dont know how to respond i'm not good at being a person and i feel so bad i feel like everyone thinks i hate them or dont like them enough or something and sometimes it scares me they'll end up being right. i feel like i keep trying to be everything in different genres but i dont know how and i dont know what everything is. when i feel like a bad friend or person or like i dont like myself enough or idk sometimes i have some realisation that im actually not as good of a person as i like to think i am, instead of thinking about how to better myself as a friend i just think like oh my fuck i need to get out of here and i dont do this i dont think but all i want to do is just isolate myself because i feel like i dont know how to friend like other people i'm not sure. anyway in this current moment i really like the colour pink. i'm going to try and be physically a person that i like and think is cool but i don't think i can ever know how. idk how to do things myself like i could never be creative enough to think up a way to have my hair or makeup or anything i have to copy someone else exactly or i'm not gonna know how to do it. i feel like everything i do is copying someone else i need specific instructions on how to do everything why am i so fucking incompetent. today my friend told me she sometimes feels like i hate hair because i always like tell her to kill herself or something and idk if thats just her overthinking or i genuinely act like i dont like her but i feel so awful because sometimes i really hate being around her because i always feel bad about myself. i feel like such a selfish narcississtic nonempathetic unloving non person. who am i who am i who am i. i dont know what im doing what bthe hell am i doing here radiohead reference i want to stop living i dont know how to do it like everyone else.