Unlovable

I think I'm unlovable. Or I should be.

I don't really have too much reasons to feel this way, I'm young and probably just being angsty, but I don't seem able to just forget about the topic.

I've never been afraid to be alone until now, maybe I was, and just managed to ignore it for some time. But now I am, and the mere thought manages to make me dizzy and nauseous. 

I'm not alone, i've never actually been; I have friends who I love deadly, and my family is well constructed, but that's not the kind of love I've been searching for. I'm just ungrateful.

I want someone to find me pretty enough to get butterflies, to like me, love me, even. Or merely want me. I'm not a good person, I'm just too insecure and need the validation, or maybe I'm just bored with how empty my life feels, even though it isn't.

I've tried to get with people before, but it never worked out. All of them liked me, or just felt like they did because I was the only one supporting them at the moment, giving them the attention and help they needed. At the end, I always grew sick of it, because they didn't love me the way I wanted them to. Maybe I'm in the wrong for that, but I felt like people never found me interesting or at least pretty enough to actually try to pursue me, letting me to do everything, as If I was the only one who wanted it. I probably was, even if they said they liked me back.

Its probably just because of how TV and books portrait love, but I yearn desperately for somebody to love me, to obsess over me. And, even so, I'm afraid of what could come from that. Of commitment. So I think I am just bored.