1.22.24 | eternal rest

   TW// $uicide

     The state of the world lately seems to be getting worse and worse. If the US were to ever enter war i don't think i could be able to handle it. I don't want to be part of a historic event, i just want to finish high school. 

         If it ever came to a point where the US entered a critically poor state as so many other countries i think i would unalive myself. I know i am extremely selfish and privileged because of this. 

         I feel like my only limit is the American government. Anything i want or need is locked up and secured behind a paywall. If i ever wanted to become a therapist? I need to pay hundreds to thousands for college. If i wanted to become a mom? I need to pay hundreds to thousands in hospital bills to even bring life into this world, not to mention the outrageous costs of raising and supporting another life in this country. If i wanted to die? My family would pay hundreds to thousands in hospital bills and funeral costs. 

         We came into this world with everything we need to survive around us at no cost. However human greed layed his filthy hands onto our clean waters and green lands and declared it "his". 

        Yesterday, i was so exhausted i wanted to lay on the dirty grimy floor of the retail establishment i worked at and simply close my eyes. I wasn't asking for sleep, i just needed a moment to be able to pause. I wanted to die, (still figuring out if i should write that out in past tense or if it's continued into the present.) but i was so tired, dying felt like the better, logical solution to my fatigue. If i die, I'm able to sleep forever and be at eternal rest. I've heard death is quite peaceful. If i simply sleep, i still have to wake up. I still have to wake up from my dreams of the impossible, of my deepest desires. I tell myself i would never actually take the steps to die, i don't know why yet, but i would never willingly put myself into a position like that. But if it happened out of my control, would i complain?