Journal 1.21.24

Have you ever felt as if your own body, your very existence, was a continuous, never-ending pit of darkness?

 What if all this darkness and evil in your life was just about your environment?  to the people you interact with, the environment in which you live.

 Either way, there will always be a door to the light.

Lately I've been feeling a bit of this weight on my back.  I always felt like the first example.  Everything bad that existed around me exuded from me and not from the people around me.  I was the one who intoxicated everyone.  Friends, family, colleagues.

 Even though this is ultimately not true, at least for a long time I felt this way.  I felt for a long time that the fault for many people's unhappiness was solely my presence, which from what I can testify, was not one of the best.

From the time I was eleven until not long ago, I was a completely insecure girl (not that I have absolutely no insecurity nowadays), especially sad and always disappointed by very little things.  Due to many family events, I also always blamed myself for my family's unhappiness.  For stressing my mother, for always delaying my father and taking away my brother's patience.

 I started to have very unhealthy behaviors that really didn't do me any good, much less those around me.  And I believe that to this day, very few people know about what I really went through in my early teens.

 I never wanted to worry my parents, because I love them so much, especially my brother.  For some childhood friends, I always made a point of hiding what I felt very well, because I knew that more than any recent friend, they really cared about me in a special way.

As time went by, I obviously grew up and saw that some of these behaviors no longer related to how I felt because finally some things had improved in my life.

 Finally, my parents no longer fought with me because I had a lack of attention, and I had perfect, high grades.

 I improved a lot from any illness I had in my head based on a lot of therapy and finally giving up many activities that I did out of obligation.  The pandemic played an essential role in my life because of this.  As much as it was a very difficult time for many people around the world, for me, it was the first time that I could truly open up and be who I am.  Until not too long ago.

 When the world “returned to normal”.

 Everything came back together.

 I have grown and matured, but not enough.

 Some episodes in life are important so you can really grow and then remember how stupid you were.

And so, I unfortunately got involved with some people who did me a lot of harm.  One in specific, in fact, out of pure need and he was completely different from me.  This also made me change who I am.  Pretending I was something I wasn't was something I was already used to.

 On this journey, I made a lot of mistakes and returned to many negative thoughts and behaviors.  I came back with terrible habits but I wouldn't let anyone other than this person in question know.

 I feel very guilty for having done something so cruel and insensitive, but deep down I know that this was not by far the worst thing I did wrong.

 I was a pit of loneliness again, no matter how many people were around me, no matter how much I had everything I wanted.  If I didn't free myself from this company maybe I could never be myself again.

But luckily, this journey of mine came to an end and after some time trying to overcome and get back to my life as it was before all the misfortune and discontent happened, I was finally able to find some light.

 This reminds me of what I said at the beginning.  I always saw myself as a pit of sadness and loneliness.  But due to some recent events, I was able to become light.  Not just for me but for those around me too.

 This scares me a little because, whether I like it or not, I still have some after-effects of toxic behaviors but because I am cured and completely non-blind in relation to these attitudes, I take very good precautions and control myself so that nothing gets out of control.

 There was something very valuable that I learned last year.  Simply that joy is much better than sadness.

 It wasn't until I really understood this that I started trying to let go of my sadness.  And it's been a long time since I felt really sunk like I used to.

But lately I feel some remnants of a bad feeling.  As if at any moment I could sink again.  But I can not.  Simply because I know that if I allow this to consume me, I will have to spend a long time trying to get back to normal.

 Right now I'm everything I ever wanted.  Now that I'm really happy with my life, I feel free to demonstrate my personal interests and everything else.

 I feel this weight of not being able to show this side of myself because I met a light from the second example.

 Imagine an angel living in hell.

 At least that's how I imagine a certain situation.  And no, I'm not the angel.

 Oh no, I'm starting to feel insecure again.  And a little anxious because I realized that I need to clear up some doubts.  But the fact is that I went after this joy and it stayed with me because I was also happy.

 And now that maybe I'm not so joyful, I'm afraid of losing my joy.

That's why I don't want to talk about this to anyone.  And I wrote this to externalize.  It was something that helped me when I felt bad in the past and I believe it can help me now too.

 Sometimes writing things down and reading them later helps because sometimes you read them and think “how stupid of me!”