Hi, it's me, Robbie, and I'm taking a moment to vent with you today.

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Well, this is not such a lively blog because I really don't feel well, you see, I know it sounds really silly, but I have been suffering from drowning guilt for about a month because of a gift.... A gift? Yes, a gift. and it's really not bad at all, I mean, it's the Christmas gift that my parents gave me, and it's something that I always wanted, but I knew that it was really expensive, and for me, it really is an exorbitant amount of money, that It's the reason I feel guilty.

I had wanted an electric guitar all my life, and I could never really afford one, since it was very expensive, and I was not from a wealthy family. I saved for a long time, and I reached the figure of $100, to you it may not seem like much, but for me, it was too much money.

Right, I got an offer for a guitar, it was black and came with the picks and amplifier, it just cost $100. If I saved the money for my breakfast and dinner I would be able to buy it. And so I was, I spoke with the girl who was going to sell me the guitar and I said from day 1 that she was interested in it. I talked to my parents about it and they agreed; It was really money I was costing myself, and it felt good to buy something I always wanted after having worked for it.

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After about 2 weeks of not eating well and avoiding going out with friends (I'll blog about that soon) I had the money, and I called the girl to see us; The problem was that the guitar didn't have strings, and she raised the price more and more, from $110 it went to $115, then to $120 up to $125, the point was that I asked her for a few days to think about it, because It increased more and more and he did not speak clearly to me about the ropes.

At first, she told me that she put the strings on it herself, and that I shouldn't worry about that, then she told me that she was selling it to me without strings and that if she wanted the strings she had to pay her $25 more. Understand me, for me $20 was half a month's breakfast, and I was really thinking about whether she should really buy it or not.

I got discouraged and my mother noticed it, she gave me $20 and told me to buy it, obviously I jumped with excitement and at once I called her to tell her to meet me to buy the guitar; but she told me that she had already sold it... GIRL, WHAT THE FUCK!!??

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I was very sad to know this, and I couldn't help but get completely discouraged, my mother encouraged me to go see the guitars in an instrument store; I encouraged myself and went with her. When we arrived at the place, they offered us one that came with absolutely everything, picks, amplifier, cables, case, tuner, and even came with a CD for beginners.

The problem was that it cost $300... I wanted to vomit when I heard the price. They took it out of the box and gave it to me, I didn't even want to touch it because I was afraid of damaging it and having to pay for that, IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME, I FELT SICK.

When we left there, I told my mom to go somewhere else that she knew they sold them cheaper, and on top of that, I told her that I didn't want it, that it seemed like too much money and that I wouldn't feel comfortable buying it.

She didn't listen to me, and we went straight home.

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The next day, it was Christmas, and when I went down to lunch, I saw the box under the Christmas tree... I felt like I was going to cry and vomit at the same time. I'm a person who has a hard time faking something when I don't feel it, and at that moment, I had a hard time faking happiness, I ignored the fact that nothing was happening before I had an anxiety attack, and went to put on makeup and get dressed.

My mother did find it strange that she didn't open the gift at once, but I lied to her saying that she wanted to open it when she saw me pretty, so I could look pretty in the photos. And well... in the end I opened it... and yes it was the guitar. After opening it and all that, we went to my grandmother's house, where we stayed for a few days, obviously I didn't take her, but when I came home, there it was.

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And I come from a family of musicians, I have music in my blood, therefore, I thought it would be easy for me to learn to play, but it is not like that, it has been hell for me.

You see, I'm a very hard person on myself, and if things don't turn out halfway decent the first time, it means I'm not good enough and I'll never make it. And, after feeling that suffocating feeling, accompanied by the guilt of the high price... I... went crazy.

It is a beautiful guitar, burgundy color, it has a different shape than the ones I had seen before, that's why I like it, but I really can't, I don't deserve something so expensive, I shouldn't allow myself that, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!?

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I have tried to talk to my mother, to tell her that I want to return it and buy something cheaper, but she has treated me badly, calling me "stupid", "ridiculous", "Capricious" that last one was the one that hurt me the most.

We argue very loudly, and she doesn't listen to me, she doesn't support me, she just isn't with me...

I don't know what to do, I've really tried to play something, learn some chords, but I can't, it doesn't work out, it's not my thing... and it destroys me, because I had always dreamed of being able to play it, but I can't, I can't handle it. the feeling of guilt when I feel that I can damage something so expensive. 

I don't deserve that, I'm not worth it, someone please, whoever, just take it away; please, I don't want to suffer with this guilt anymore, I feel like I'm going to vomit at any moment.

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