journal entry day 1

hiiiiii first day of journaling online to try to build a habit to manage my anxiety

currently my worries surround my dog as she suddenly developed a cyst (?) on her genitals and i saw it yesterday and got scared to death. i already lost my mother last august (can barely process it some days, it doesnt seem real) so i cant lose her too. she doesnt exhibit any symptoms and if google doesnt lie, 70%-80% of the supposed cases are benign, but im still very anxious. last night i had to take pills to calm down bc i broke down cryng and i was breathing in a weird way. i slept early but woke up at 4am and was awake for an hour until i grabbed some music to listen bc i was too anxious. thn i slept again.

i was in sort of a nervous daze all day. im likealready preparing just in case she dies even though things seem to be in her favor and its just a scare. im too afraid to be positive after my mother died, i was afraid before her passing too but its worse now. i functioned on autopilot all day but couldnt even watch series, just meme compilations and stuff. abd played genshin. but couldnt do anything else.

if god is paying attention PLEASE dont let anythign happen to her.

my father always tells me to chill but ive explained to him it doesnt work. he told me that he and mother (when she was alive) were surprised to see that i could reason but i couldnt stop being terribly anxious until i had answers. i had a scare with my doggo back in march-april and i took her to the vet (it was nothing). the vet told me to just watch her. i came back and my mother asked "are you calmer now?" and i had to say that no, not really . it took me weeks to calm down

tomorrow i have therapist  at the same time shell be at the vet so im gonna just throw up my anxiety to my therapist. please please PLEASE let it be a stupid thing. god.

i have been avoiding my friends for a week now, i got overwhelmed. one of them (i was kinda crushing on him) still sends me a lot of messages and tried to contact me in genshin while the rest already know its better to leave me alone. i cant reply to anyoe rn. i cant in general

i think thats all for today i hope for the best tomorrow. if anyone is reading this PLEASE have my doggo in your thoughts