━﹒ ★ a letter to his memories

I miss you so damn much, you don´t have idea how much I cry every night. Not because of you, but because you aren´t here anymore... Because I can´t hug you, because I can´t talk with you face-to-face. You were like magic to me, the way that just being by your side made my bruised face a happy one, my screaming were now giggles and the tears were replaced by a smile. That was one of the most beautiful feelings that I could have ever experienced in my small and senseless existence. Why does the world wants us to be separate? It isin´t your fault nor mine, it´s theirs. Theirs only, because of them I cried, because of them you felt like you hadn´t done enough to save me. If they saw things my way, if they were the doll everyone played with, the pass-around toy.... if they were the ones who were getting laughed at, the ones who were getting bullied and left behind... maybe they´d understand, understand how good you make me feel, understand how much I needed you, how much you meant -and still mean- to me.

Words can´t express a single feeling that passes through my mind when I see you, when I think of you, when your photos pop up in my phone. You took care of me when everyone else pushed me down. You were there for me, you listened to me. You were a better father than he will ever be, you were a better friend than they would ever be. Whenever I see someone that looks like you on the streets, I want to cry from happiness, because I think that God heard me and made me cross paths with you again, only to find out that it isin´t you and my life goes to be boring again. Meeting you was like finding light in the middle of an empty, dark and chill room. You gave me warmth, you made me feel safe and loved, no one else made me feel such things before. You were my first and I was yours, and that´s one of the things I´ll cherish forever.

I sleep hugging tightly to the sheets you once slept with too, I fold and unfold many times the shirt in which you wrote such nice things to me. I listen to the songs you like everyday. I fall asleep listening to the playlist you made for me. Seeing your smile in those photos always makes my day better. I walk to where you are regularly, but you´re never outside, and I´m not confident enough to go inside and ask for you. So, I made a deal, a deal you don´t know about, a deal that I´ll never tell you that I did. You´ll just need to know that we will meet again one day. When you least expect it, I´ll tap your shoulder out of the blue and ask you for another hug, watching you cry because we can see eachother again. Believe me, I´ll make it.

I´ll finally be able to hug you again

Just you wait

I made a deal just for you

And I never fail

-Alex