mary

i´ll be using this as compensation since i don´t understand my own feelings rn. 

my girlfriend broke up with me, and she didn´t even state a reason?? we continued talking, and she was constantly telling me that i´m an asshole and so on, thats why she hates talking to me, and wants us to stop being a thing. BUT LIKE?? THAT WAS SO DAMN UNEXPECTEDDD. 

she wasnt even too sure herself apparently, most of what she said was like "i rlly rlly hate you, but i dont really know why" yea no shit, me neither. 

all i´ve ever wanted was for her to be happy, to get out of her mental illness and finally be herself, and if that means i´ll never be able to talk to her again, then so be it.

of course, i said some stupid stuff in the past, so did she, and we weren´t always agreeing on stuff, but thats what relationships are, right? we always made it work, we´ve even gone long distance since i´ve moved away a few months ago. it all rlly started there, when we were only able to talk via whatsapp etc. she suddenly became so distant, it often felt as if i was talking to a whole different person. she stopped caring about anything i told her, how things were going on my new school etc. i tried talking to her about it, but she always just brushed it off. this went on for 4 months, and during that time, none of our conversations where fun or healthy.

i dont know how to explain, but i think i never truly cared about what that did to me emotionally, till now. again, as long as she was happy, i was happy, so i thought. and apparently she was more than fine without me, so i guess i was okay with that. back when we first got together, some rlly fucked up shit happened that took my will to live away, and she was always there for me. she was the first person to tell me that i was special, that my feelings mattered. the first person to ever compliment me, to hug me. she was my first everything. we spend 2 years together, and exept for some minor disagreements, everything always seemed so damn perfect. we were both so happy, and i couldnt´ve wished for anything better. 

so why the sudden change? its not my fault we moved away. my parents randomly broke up, my mom got custody of me and she rlly wanted to live in a town 200km away. theres absolutely nothing i couldve possibly done about that, right? 

since her parents are rlly strict about some stuff, i took the train overnight to visit her quite a few times, which didnt bother me at all since i don´t rlly sleep anyway. the first few times were amazing, i´d spend multiple days at her house; her parents were always welcoming and never guilt-tripped me or smth, unlike her. at first i thought we could make it work with ease. 

i honestly don´t know what to say, i just don´t understand what happened. its not like she met someone new and just spend all her time with them, she´s rlly shy and all. so, huhhhhhh?? she always told me how much she loved me, but one day she just didnt care anymore. all she did was tell me how annoying i am, that she didnt want to know anything about my new home etc. 

first, i tried to abide these "rules", by only telling her about specific stuff that wasn´t concerning anything of that kind. and then she kept going, always like "ughh i don´t wanna know about that", "am i supposed to like, care about that?" and so on.

what happened to my sweet girl? theres no way that after all we´ve been through together, she just sends 2 messages, telling me that she´s breaking up, without any specific reason. all those memories gone to waste. but, if that´s what makes her happy, then i should be fine with that.

but i´m not. i can´t keep telling myself that what she did was justified. why would she treat me like this? 

she was my everything. after we moved away, there probably wasn´t any moment i didn´t think of her. no one at my new school likes me, at all, but i´ve always been okay with that; i didn´t need anyone, and no one had to be nice to me. i had her. we trusted each other. we´d spend nights talking to each other on face time, gossiping about the people on her school etc., and i cherished that so much. when i i visited her, we were inseperable, we did everything together. and i missed her so much, just like now. 

knowing that i´ll probably never meet her again, never get to hear her beautiful voice again, its tormenting me. it hurts so fucking much and i honestly don´t know what to do. i could sit in my room all day, hoping that one day, she´ll text me, apologising or anything like that. she doesn´t even have to apologise, i forgive her. perhaps she´s feeling better now, without me. 

she was the only one to ever listen to me, and perhaps i should´ve done more to fix all this. but i can´t. and even if she doesn´t love her anymore, she will always own my heart, my soul.