highschool, relationships platonic and non-platonic.

I think I might get through high school without ever being in a relationship. Its embarrassing but not at the same time cause like, who gives a fck? but its still something that is heavy in my mind. It would be different if it was on my own accord and im turning people away but like im starting to think that people just dont like me because no one has like ever said that they've liked me IRL, or ever approached me with intention to date me? and not just over instagram or like that godforsaken wizz app. 

btw that app needs to be burned and taken off the app store, Although ive only been in "situationships" they have helped me learn a lot about myself and even other people. but still fuck a situationship and fuck wizz.

My image towards other people has always been a concern of mine, whether it came down to my hair or even my face, or clothes that make me look good. I at least try to make myself presentable when going out or even just going to school, but I struggle with finding myself fine as is, without makeup or clothes that hide most of my figure. I wouldn't say that i've truly struggled with my weight but I do realize that I want to lose weight. Although I dont take most comments about my weight to heart, especially if its from a stranger or some random on discord but I do realize that it weighs differently when a friend or a family member says something about my weight. I do work out at least 4/5 days a week because I dance, and that apparently has made me drop some weight, and people are noticing? which im not upset about but no matter how hard I try I think ill always be "the fat friend" but thats neither here nor there. The only thing that has kept me afloat was ignoring the comments about my weight from my friends or even family but it has weighed on how i think people view me. The way that some people can easily detach has always been interesting to me, because to me if you can easily leave that person alone that means that you didn't care about them in the first place, which goes back to my other blog about being afraid to get into relationships, but this also stops me from being able to genuinely trust my friends.

Ive known my friends since about freshman year, i've never told my friends about what truly happens in my life besides dance and like me and my mom beefing which is not even no serious tea, but more of a laughing situation. They know things about me but they truly know nothing about me. Im just afraid of being vulnerable. deathly afraid. I want to experience more things but its just hard.

next weekend im going to a dance convention so hopefully i make new friends/see new people

-jenny out (;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ)